How To Have The Ultimate DIY Summer Holiday Without Even Leaving The House

If you can't make it to the beach, make the beach come to you. Let Unnamed Confectionery Brand show you how you can how to have the greatest summer staycation on a shoestring.

This is you, in your room, right now.

Via startupcollective-com.s3.amazonaws.com

This is you, in your room, in summer. You need a holiday.

Ibiza seems marginally more appealing than this laugh-a-minute scene.

Unfortunately, you have no money.

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Sadly a vital ingredient for booking plane tickets, hotel rooms, entry into clubs, t-shirts with 'I ♥ [PLACE NAME]' written on them. All the essentials, basically.

Fear not, for help is at hand.

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We will now show you how not being able to leave your house need only be a small blip on your way to having your best ever summer.

Totaliser: This will keep a running tally of the spend incurred from our just-as-good alternatives as we go. Feel free to look up a package holiday on any price comparison website when we're finished, you'll be amazed at the saving.

Get that sea breeze flowing through your hair.

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You may notice a key difference between our holiday and the one you'd been longing for, is that in ours, you haven't gone anywhere. We'll be the first to admit that you can't beat that first exhale off the plane as you survey your new surroundings, but you can replicate it.

First off, open the window dingus, it's stuffy in here. Second, turn on your fan. But don't let it just blow the hot air around and around on an endless cycle, get a bowl, fill it with ice and whack it in front of your blades. This will cool the air as it evaporates. Thirdly, add in a sprinkle of sea salt (90p) to get that authentic scent.

Totaliser: 90p

We mean, really flowing.

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If you don't have a fan, why not build this awesome DIY air con unit (via HouseholdHacker/YouTube), which the inventor claims costs just $8 (£5.32) to make.

Totaliser: £6.12

Frolic on your own private beach.

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Now while some might view the beach as purely the meeting point between dirt and the sea, it's very important to others.

So you don't miss out, we recommend buying this sand (£2.99) and throwing it all round your room. We reckon two bags would easily cover/ruin most floors.

What about the surf? Easy, with this practically-indistinguishable-from-the-real-thing paddling pool (£14.95).

Once solely the preserve of the likes Richard Branson et al, with this handy fix, now you too can own a little piece of paradise.

Totaliser: £24.06

Relax.

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This one's much easier than faffing about with the sand, simply go to your local newsagents and purchase a magazine (approx £3.50) you'd only ever read on holiday or in the waiting room at the dentist. Now plop a towel down and escape your daily grind.

Totaliser: £27.56

Go to an actual beach.

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Now, some of you might live near a coast, and therefore a beach. This is good. You might even live near one of the 25 best in the UK (via Tripadvisor). Great stuff. Simply go to it (£0) and have a great time.

Now, some of you might live somewhere more landlocked, like London perhaps. Not to worry, the Roundhouse host the Camden Beach once a year, a faithful recreation of pier amusements, fish restaurants and live music. Also, it's free (£0).

Now, some of you might live somewhere like the Midlands. In which case, refer back to the two previous fixes.

Totaliser: £27.56

"But what about my tan?" We've got this.

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We understand that one of the major benefits of going on holiday is being able to lord your new sun-kissed bod over your mates back home. That's slightly more difficult to do when you've both been wallowing in the same drab British sun, so we've found the next best thing.

This YouTuber shows you an ingenious way to make your own fake tan (via YouTube/xliviii) using instant coffee (£2.50) and body lotion (£7.50). It'll look you've already been there, done that, and don't even need to bother with the t-shirt.

Totaliser: £37.56

Complete the look, easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

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Do you know how good lemons are for you? You should.

Daubing yourself in lemon juice (£1.50) removes blackheads and reduces oily skin heals acne, and gives you straight-out-of-Baywatch-fresh highlights in your hair (all via WikiHow). You can even combine it with baking soda (80p) to whiten your teeth (via doctoroz.com). When life gives you lemons, life's good.

Totaliser: £39.86

"But what about the nightlife?" We were just coming to that...

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Yes, exploring the local haunts is probably the most exciting part of a holiday, but think about it. You have to pay for entry, drinks, entry to the next place, more drinks and then the taxi fare back to your hotel, which you've managed to forget the name of and been dropped off at the wrong place, requiring yet another taxi. You're basically handing over your PIN number to the evening and telling it to go wild.

What's a cheaper alternative? Making your own nightclub!

The interior.

Via djsinconcert.com.br

You could turn your ceiling into an atmospheric, animated LED lighting rig (via Vice), or cobble together an audio controlled disco ball (via instructables.com), or russle up your own bar (via Reddit)...

Or you could just whack this mini disco ball (£10) and a couple of balloons (£1.50) in the corner and be done with it.

Totaliser: £51.36.

The drinks menu.

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Aint'cha ever heard of BYOB? (£0)

As long as you sort yourself out with something suitably lurid in colour and even more lurid in taste, you'll have a great time. Think sugar (£1) + food colouring (£1.50) + anything (estimate cost £5-£30.)

If you're feeling a bit more ambitious, here's a list of how to make every cocktail you'll need to convince your average Joe that you're a master mixologist. (Via LifeHacker)

Totaliser: £83.86

The music.

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Nothing brings in the crowds like a celebrity DJ. From Carl Cox to David Guetta to Paris Hilton (maybe not), every establishment needs a star name as the resident DJ. Trouble is, you probably don't have the dosh to attract the very top-end, but you could potentially tempt the likes of Dane Bowers, the surviving members of 5ive or Pat Sharp with the right offer.

Or you could get Get Your Own Back's famous son Dave Benson Phillips for a tenner (£10) instead.

Totaliser: £93.86

The people.

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As anyone will tell you, it's not a proper night out unless you've got to wait over 20 minutes in a queue for the loos. Sharing your evening in the company of fellow revelers and experiencing the joy of a temporary inter-connectivity as you collectively shake your stuff to the Vengaboys is a must, so you'll need a crowd to turn up. There's no sure-fire way to guarantee this, but here are a couple of our best tips:

Harness the power of social media. The news is awash with horror stories of house parties gone wrong after an invite somehow finds its way onto the radar of the entire internet, so they're a perfect blueprint for getting feet through the door. Simply tell everyone that your parents are away for the weekend, that under no circumstances do they want you to have a party, and that it's only meant to be for a 'few close friends.' Then make the Facebook invitation open, and voila, 5,000 strangers at your door.

Make it the hot ticket. Nobody wants to be the one missing out on something they think everyone's going to, right? Immediately declare that your night is 'SOLD OUT' but that there'll be 'a few tickets left on the door' and there'll be queues round the block. Arbitrarily turn people away like Berghain and you'll create an exclusive mystique about the place in no time.

Use the enigmatic allure of Dave Benson Phillips. We lied when we said there was no sure-fire guarantee. This is it.

Totaliser: £93.86 still. You might even make money on this one...

The long ride home.

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The quintessential holiday experience. Nothing says 'I've had a great week' like staggering out of a plane after a queasy long haul flight. However, you might think this an impossibility given that you haven't left the country. Think again my fine feathered friends.

All you need to do is have a particularly filling meal and mosey over to the RAF Museum, where you can ride their Red Arrows simulator and capture that exact woozy feeling in mere minutes! (£3)

Totaliser: £96.86

So there you have it. A top quality week away without actually having to go away for less than £100.

If you're reading this and thinking "that doesn't seem particularly good value for what you've described, and furthermore it seems far too much work for far too little", you're right.

In fact, it would probably be a far better idea to turn to Unnamed Confectionery Brand to deliver that sweet, sweet summer feeling you're so sorely craving instead.

(Dave Benson Phillips for ten quid is still a bargain, though.)