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The 20 Stages Of Babysitting Your Friend’s Evil Spawn

I’m. never. having. kids. EVER.

1. You walk in and they’re all cute and smiley, and you sigh with relief. “Kids are people too,” you think to yourself.

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2. The parents leave, and for the first 20 minutes, things are going so well that you think you’re dreaming.

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I don’t know why parents are complaining all of the time…this having a kid thing is a piece of cake.

3. But then, they give you the look and you know to be very afraid.

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4. And then all hell breaks loose.

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ADAM GET DOWN FROM THE GODDAMN ROOF YOU ANIMAL

5. Lunch time comes and you realize that you’d rather feed a Tyrannosaurus.

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6. Then they start getting an attitude with you.

Omar, if you don’t put that knife down so help me God.

7. AND THEY ARE COMPLETELY INCAPABLE OF RATIONALITY.

All of that just because you said they couldn’t ride their bike down the stairs.

8. You realize that you’re close to cracking and it’s only been an hour since their parents left.

9. You try to get firm with them.

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But they’re like animals. They can smell your fear.

10. So then you stoop down to their level.

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11. But then you realize that you’re an adult and can’t behave like that so you try to make up with them. And it works…for about 20 seconds.

12. So you start to fantasize about things to the point where it worries you.

13. You don’t understand how such a tiny body can hold so much anger and screams.

14. You start to wonder if you can take tip from the Harry Potter books and just lock them in a cupboard.

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You even start to think that the jail time would be worth it.

15. You make a note to tell your therapist about the alarming number of bad thoughts that cross through your mind.

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16. By the end of the night, you’ve both had enough.

17. But just seconds before you decide to just walk out the door something beautiful happens. It gets tired.

For a while, you really believed it was indestructible.

18. You put them to bed and truly learn what it means to be happy.

19. The parents finally come back and you run out of the house so fast you think you gave yourself whiplash.

20. And then you get to your car and proceed to go to pieces as you wonder how on earth did a 7-year-old manage to break you.

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