Twelve Predictions That Will Not Come True in 2012

Prophecies of doom, zombies and heavy metal soundtracks: sounds like anything goes in 2012. So what *won't* happen with Mel Gibson, Glenn Beck and David Hasselhoff at the end of the world?

• 1. True Road Warriors pack extra guitar strings

  

  Mel Gibson will form a band with Jesse James and Bombshell McGee and find a new career on the Bar Mitzvah circuit.

• 2. And Perez Hilton cried...

  Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton will make a pinkie pledge to quit booze and keep their panties on for one whole year.

• 3. Sexting with spitwads

  In order to rebel against their Facebooking, texting, Tweeting parents, teenagers will start passing notes written on paper and talking face to face again.

• 4. Jersey Shore meets Walden Pond

  A malfunctioning satellite sends a high-pitched whistle through every DVR and television in the country. This causes the entire population to wake up, realize that reality television is crap, and pick up a book.

• 5. Will anyone notice in Congress?

  

  The zombie apocalypse finally happens, and the undead take over government in Washington, D.C. Once people see the zombies are an improvement, they're all voted in for several terms.

• 6. Just be glad there was no photo for this

  Betty White replaces Angelina Jolie in the role of a latex-clad dominatrix in a blockbuster movie. Elder S&M clubs pop up all over the country, with little old ladies snapping whips and yelling, "Who's Your Granny?"

• 7. The other see-through mind

  

  After Glenn Beck receives a Viagra prescription, he loses all interest in Hitler and starts a new life as a porn actor.

• 8. Finally paying their dues

  Bill Gates, Ted Turner and Larry Ellison follow through with their pledge to give away their fortunes. They buy an RV and travel together across the country to personally hand every person $1,000 in cash.

• 9. And he will count the Comedy Central Roast as a debate

  David Hasselhoff starts a career in politics. No one cares until he promises that if he becomes President, KITT will be Vice-President. Later on, KITT will leave the White House in disgrace when he's found with two hot Corvettes in a secret garage tryst.

• 10. I'm feeling better already

  

  Republicans and Democrats finally agree on a health care bill. The bill doesn't mention doctors, hospitals or any other luxuries, but does include free Viagra, ibuprofen, Band-Aids, tequila and chocolate for everyone.

• 11. Oooooh yeah....show me your ultrasound

  Internet porn evolves as men get bored with outside appearances and become aroused by X-Rays of a nice, big set of lungs or a saucy CAT scan. College girls only receive beads at Mardi Gras if they flash their SAT scores.

• 12. But Roddenberry still wins in the end

  The world explodes in a giant fireball on December 21, 2012. Survivors discover James Cameron rigged the globe-ending stunt for a movie scene that he claims will be “three times as brilliant as Avatar.” The remnants of humanity spend their last days on Earth kicking his ass before the Vulcans finally arrive.