Battle Of The Early Millennium Cell Phones

The early-2000s saw the emergence of several highly covetable and equally ridiculous cellphones. Which is the true MVP? Let's see.

The Envy

Name: 7, A bold, mic drop of a name, but is it a little too presumptuous?

Covetability: 9, When the Envy introduced the idea of keyboard, ripple effects could be felt beneath the desks of every high schooler texting during class.

Ridiculousness: 3, The Envy was actually pretty functional, albeit clunky, for an early-200s phone.

The Sidekick

Name: 5, Cute, considering the pun, but also a little too humble.

Covetability: 4, Although it made the argument for a more condensed keyboard phone, its tendency to break and the fact that the Envy had already won the hearts of teenagers everywhere drowned it out.

Ridiculousness: 8, It made swiveling uncool before the Juke.

The Chocolate

Name: 9, The Chocolate is the name of a SEXY phone. Admit it, you went weak in the knees when you saw that slow motion commercial.

Covetability: 5, The Chocolate did not have much to offer besides the fact that it could shrink two inches when you slid the number pad in.

Ridiculousness: 7, While it sounded like the kind of phone you wanted to curl up in bed with and spoon, the Chocolate was really just a flashy new phone for adults not mature enough to own a Blackberry.

The Juke

Name: 2, What even is a "Juke"? Years later, we're still asking.

Covetability: 3, Everybody knew this joke of a phone was Samsung's response to Verizon's sexier phone stylings. The only thing it looked good for was breaking.

Ridiculousness: 10, The Juke is the middle school equivalent of the Chocolate, a pony trick for rich white kids to show their friends in the cafeteria.

The Voyager

Name: 7, It suggested that Verizon was exploring new territory, and it was, the touch screen.

Covetability: 7, It made touch screens that barely look cool!

Ridiculousness: 3, Although the touch screen barely worked, the Voyager was definitely a prettier version of the Envy.

The Razr

Name: 10, It's called the Razr because it is shaped like a razor...get it?? Verizon made puns cool.

Covetability: 10, This is the phone that started it all. When that first commercial of a Razr falling in slow motion dropped, the world lined up outside of every Verizon store.

Ridiculousness: 1, Here's the thing, the Razr was actually a pretty cool idea. Take a clunky cell phone and make it sexy. Boom. Better yeah, they were seemingly indestructible.