The 10 Most Annoyingly Ambiguous Facebook Status Updates…as Told By Morgan Freeman

Everyone hates ambiguous Facebook statuses…even Morgan Freeman.

10.

Okay, this one isn’t really ambiguous, but how fucking annoying. #amIRight? We get it – you love your boyfriend. The pictures of the flowers that he sent you and the smiling selfies of the two of you snuggling in bed are enough for us to know that you love him. Loving your boyfriend/girlfriend is kind of a given, isn’t it? If you didn’t love them, you wouldn’t be with them, right? Stop proclaiming the obvious to the world, people. On another note, when that relationship potentially fails two weeks later, you’re going to look like a reeeaaal ass with all those pictures and lovey-dovey status updates graffitied all over your page.

9.

Whoa there, Billy the Kid! Who are you so angry with? Could it be the guy you were just head over heels in love with and thought you’d be with 4-eva not even 24 hours ago? What’s that now? Oh…he cheated on you so now you guys are “broken up”? Didn’t see that one coming [totally saw that one coming]. If you’re going to put your business out there like that, don’t be a coward about it – call the fucker out! Chances are your FB friends are gong to be hip to who you’re talking about anyway once your relationship status changes to “It’s Complicated” and you delete all the pictures of you and your ex (?) beau. So, if you’re going to threaten someone via FB status, at least say who it is so that the rest of your friends aren’t sleeping with one eye open around your crazy ass.

8.

In the words of Chandler Bing, “Could you BE any more vague?” You know that if you post this status everyone and their mother is going to comment saying, “what’s happening?” or “what’s going on?” and as soon as you get that first comment you’re going to respond with what the situation is. So, why not save us all the time and frustration and just lead with that in the first place? I know that little white 1 outlined in red gives you the warm and tinglies in your nether regions, but stop fishing for attention and bamboozling people into commenting on your status

7.

Again, I’m having a little trouble here. A lot of things in life suck. Did you get pickle juice in your eye? Did your grandmother die? There is a wide range of possibilities with this and a lot more people are going to have sympathy and give a rat’s ass if it’s the latter. If it’s the former: grow a pair, rinse your eye out, and get on with your life. Stop fucking with our emotions.

6.

Welcome to a little thing that I like to call, “life”. If you’re alive and have a job or any sort of responsibilities you’re probably stressed out about something at any given time. So, if you’re looking for my sympathy on this you have a snowballs chance in hell of getting it.

5.

OMG…WHY?! Another one where you need to just cut to the chase. I also don’t appreciate this one because it dupes me into thinking that I’m missing out on something that would be equally as exciting for me…and it never is.

4.

PLEASE TELL ME WHAT IT IS. Seriously, I need to know so that I never do it. Did you have an affair with a horse in Tijuana? Take your chances on that expired lunch meat? You could potentially save lives by divulging this newly acquired knowledge. Share the wealth, you selfish bastard!

3.

WHAT is happening? Is it something that ONLY affects you or should we all be worried? Are you angry that your dad ate the last of the Oreos or did they just announce that there is an asteroid headed toward Earth? Were you just diagnosed with cancer or did McDonald’s announce they’re never bringing the McRib back? See the difference in these? Some of them are only relevant to your life, while others affect the masses. A world without the McRib? Let’s not even think about it – I’m sorry I even brought it up.

2.

You know that thing that people do where they enter a room, sit down and sigh really loudly in the hopes that someone will ask them what’s wrong? This is the Facebook version of that. Look, if you have a problem and need someone to listen to your woes, I will totally be your Richard Dreyfuss in What About Bob? But, just fucking say you have a problem and that you need someone to talk to. I’m not going to beat your problems out of you, but I might beat YOU if you keep this shit up.

1.

Why do you exist? This is probably the worst thing you could EVER post on Facebook. If you have the wherewithal to PROCLAIM TO THE WORLD that you’re sad, you probably not that sad and are just starved for attention. If you are so plagued by your sadness that the only remedy is to post it on FB, then a few generic comments isn’t going to help. If you really are that sad, see a therapist; that’s why they make $85,000/year.

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