Made a friend instagr.am/p/IHnnSNN54-/
— Lauren Conrad (@LaurenConrad) March 13, 2012
My goatee in @JeffMovie makes you... (A) Turned on beyond belief (B) Dry heave uncontrollably for 7 consecutive hours (C) All of the...
— Ed Helms (@edhelms) March 13, 2012
I'd like to the thank @robdelaney for the delaney bump yesterdaySomething pregnant teens across the country curse him for all the time
— Jason Jones (@jonesinforjason) March 13, 2012
Has anyone ever been sleeping and then felt like something invisible was pushing you down on the bed?
— Damon Wayans Yunior? (@wayansjr) March 13, 2012
Hey old people using iPads! Stop it! Read an old, tea stained book and tell me about how things used to be better!!
— Pete Holmes (@peteholmez) March 13, 2012
Is there a form of entertainer more depressing than a party magician? Yes there is: hibachi chef.
— todd levin (@toddlevin) March 13, 2012
Overheard from a hibachi chef. In a restaurant. Where humans are served: "Hee hee--pee-pee on your face, yum-yum!!"
— todd levin (@toddlevin) March 13, 2012
So funny when people say, "I'm sorry but.." lol!
— The Real Paula Abdul (@PaulaAbdul) March 13, 2012
Had a dream for 3 hours & 58 minutes... Just #Prolific.. Trust me I timed it.
— Wilmer Valderrama (@WillyVille) March 13, 2012
Dog the Bounty Hunter opens with a "do not try this at home" warning. Ok, I won't try bounty hunting at home.
— Jon Friedman (@friedmanjon) March 13, 2012
I love the idea of tweeting fromjet plane inthe skywhich is where I am.
— John Cusack (@johncusack) March 13, 2012
My dad taught me how to use a chainsaw &shoot a gun & i'm teaching my son to do manly stuff with his hands too. twitpic.com/8vtexg
— Misha Collins (@mishacollins) March 13, 2012
If you have a chance, swing by the SXSW penis enlargement booth. say.ly/AfS1zvl
— Eugene Mirman (@EugeneMirman) March 13, 2012
Ugly girls looooove making eye contact
— Damon Wayans Yunior? (@wayansjr) March 13, 2012
Food poisoning :-/
— Chloë Grace Moretz (@ChloeGMoretz) March 13, 2012
One last hint receptor sites .class over .I Complete You
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) March 13, 2012
@iamsambee I can't figure out how every time u go to Brooklyn ur still able to nag me
— Jason Jones (@jonesinforjason) March 7, 2012
Be the change you want to see in the fountain.
— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) March 13, 2012
My car sickness has increased with age. I wonder why. Ugh, I'm getting old
— whitney port (@whitneyEVEport) March 13, 2012
If your key ring is full of keychains with clever sayings, plus a stick filled with glittery water, I know you had a baby in high school.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) March 13, 2012
If you don't want me to call you back the BEST thing you can do is leave a voicemail.
— Chris D'Elia (@chrisdelia) March 13, 2012
Amazed the descriptive Vespa Fart never caught on.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) March 13, 2012
Welcome to the club, Jennie Garth & Peter Facinelli!
— Jen Kirkman (@JenKirkman) March 13, 2012
I've hated an entire person based only on their shoes.
— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) March 13, 2012
itunes 43 pages of terms and conditions seems normal.
— Natasha Leggero (@natashaleggero) March 13, 2012
90% of students at Spring Break beach parties have sperm on them.
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) March 13, 2012
Everyone should have a nemesis and an evil twin.
— Wil Wheaton (@wilw) March 13, 2012