Can I pull this look off?Lol.Took them from @BlackBoiPachino. lockerz.com/s/188607231
— Kris Humphries (@KrisHumphries) March 1, 2012
Last nite I took the dangerous drug combo of a Benadryl plus the movie St. Elmo's Fire. Still singing "man in motion" but otherwise fine.
— Carrie Brownstein (@Carrie_Rachel) March 1, 2012
The best tribute we can pay to Andrew Breitbart is to continue screaming at each other over the internet.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) March 1, 2012
There should be a reverse DVR that prevents you from ever knowing that certain TV shows exist.
— Andy Borowitz (@BorowitzReport) March 1, 2012
Thanks to everyone for the help with the symbol and for all the butt sex jokes about my recently deceased grammie.
— erinn hayes (@hayeslady) March 1, 2012
"what if we took coke, took out the syrup and the carbonation, called it Dasani and charged the same price?!" - a preposterous joke in 1983.
— Pete Holmes (@peteholmez) March 1, 2012
@LanaDelRey wassup lil lady.We have a record we would luv 4 u to b on! Via major lazer jah bless!!
— Snoop Dogg (@SnoopDogg) March 1, 2012
Shout out to our fierce 1st lady @MichelleObama! Heard you watch #ANTM w/Sasha & Malia. Last night's ep has a lil something special for you!
— Tyra Banks (@tyrabanks) March 1, 2012
I feel left out. Can somebody take a picture of me holding my phone?
— Jon Friedman (@friedmanjon) March 1, 2012
How about a clearer warning on those Icy/Hot Patches that you should never, ever use them for soft tacos?Jerks.
— Rob Huebel (@robhuebel) March 1, 2012
yfrog.com/64ye3cj ARGENTINA:this is the biggest rainbow of my entire fishing career. 15 lbs. THAT was a happy day.
— Henry Winkler (@hwinkler4real) March 1, 2012
McDonald's NEW The McRibster? Shut the hell up! How could u outshine the glory tht is The McRib... W/a deep fried w/bacon & cheese version!
— Tori Spelling (@torianddean) March 1, 2012
Joining an online shoe club. Would you guys describe me as "sophisticated modern chic" or "feminine bohemian trendy"?
— devon sawa (@DevonESawa) March 1, 2012
I hate email !#pageme
— Spencer Pratt(@spencerpratt) March 1, 2012
"Does this mean it's safe for me to go back on Twitter?" -- Anthony Weiner's penis #Breitbart
— Andy Borowitz (@BorowitzReport) March 1, 2012
"Justin Bieber is legal? I'm sorry, but that's just not going to do it for me." -moms
— mileskahn (@mileskahn) March 1, 2012
I want to be in the sun on the beach ..
— Angela Raiola (@biggangVH1) March 1, 2012
I'm less hipster, more quirkster.
— Kristen Schaal (@kristenschaaled) March 1, 2012
everyone needs 2 stop hating. its Justins birthday. i think mayb its cuz theyre jealous of how luvd/talented he is…happy bday @justinbieber
— Paris Jacksoη (@ParisJackson) March 1, 2012
call me crazy but i fell like i did in 1988. heatlhy and my legs feel strong. 20/20 at 47? strongly believe. gladd to be playing period
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) March 1, 2012
When people use the word "kewl," it makes we want to pewk.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) March 1, 2012
Co hosting The View with one of my idols Barbara Walters!! #dreamcometrue twitter.com/KrisJenner/sta…
— Kris Jenner (@KrisJenner) March 1, 2012
At airport listening to invasively loud guy rolling calls to every key person in his life. I will miss him.... Shit he's on my flight.
— bob saget (@bobsaget) March 1, 2012
I'm going to pitch a WIRE-style show set entirely inside The Grove in L.A.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) March 1, 2012
Pres. Obama reveals his favorite WIRE character was Omar.Romney says his favorite was Goldie Hawn.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) March 1, 2012
Just got surprised with a balloon ride!! 💙🎈#imscared
— Crystal Harris (@CrystalHarris) March 1, 2012
ACAI + BANANAS + STRAWBERRIES + BLUEBERRIES = #SMOOTHIETIME
— LIL JON (@LilJon) March 1, 2012
If I'm out and my phone displays "10% battery remaining", I hear the Super Mario "Hurry Up" theme song and decide on the fastest way home.
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) March 1, 2012
The reindeer sausage was good (tastes a little like bratwurst)...but it is a little higher in fat content than I usually have.
— Star Jones (@StarJonesEsq) March 1, 2012
“I’ll have that food that makes you cum in a restaurant.†-- When Harry Met Sally (first draft)
— Seth MacFarlane (@SethMacFarlane) March 1, 2012
If Snooki gives birth to the anti-Christ, I'll be all "I told you sooooo".
— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) March 1, 2012