How To Deal With A Cheating Jerk

For everyone suffering from holiday season break-ups, this letter is for you.

Christmas Letter to a Cheater

MICROWORKS/GETTY IMAGES

Dear A,

First of all, merry Christmas! Now you will probably delete this straight up because that’s the kind of person you are, but why not read all of it just for the heck of it? I promise you I am funny and it is sooo worth it. And if not for that, you owe me at least this. Well, as a Jew on Christmas I am rather bored so I decided to get creative.

Firstly I would like to state that this is me, finally letting out some stuff I've kept in for a while. I think it’s simply adorable how you pulled the whole saint image about yourself, criticizing G. while you were cheating on your girlfriend. Darling, must I really tell that you are an absolute c*nt or is it implied enough? And yes you did cheat on her. Period. And no matter what you told her, it was not a onetime thing. If I’m not mistaken you came after me and then when I tried to get away you literally said something like “I can’t be away from you without being miserable” or some pathetic shit like that. And then you tell me you love me (!!) oh the epitome of romance!!! But then regret kicks in and you only saw me as a friend. Gee, your friends must be really nice giving you blowies and handies! Dearest, you are the absolute scum of humanity, and yes you did hurt me brutally but I can’t imagine what you did to poor S., and what lies you had to tell to make it ok. You are despicable and I can’t believe I was deluded enough to think you were a wonderful person and go for you (cause it certainly wasn’t for your looks)

Omg please keep reading, this part gets really good. PLLLEEAASSEEE. So darling, I know that you have done everything to delete me from your mind, and I really hope you do so. That is until you are a middle aged, suburban daddy-o, with a beer belly and a double chin, who can’t get it up for the life of him (it’s inevitable, we both know it) and then you will look around at your absolutely average life and think that only moderately out-of-the-curve thing to ever happen to you, officially obliterated your existence from her knowledge right now. Therefore, honey, I’d really appreciate it if you would stay at least at a one-mile radius away from me, from now to eternity, or else I will have to fuck you up. I’m serious. You fucked with a psycho bitch. You can’t even imagine how low I’m willing to go ;)

Auf Wiedersen and love always,

Z

PS: you didn’t get into Yale because your essays were shit, not because you were blacklisted. I mean it. The worst I ever read, absolute chicken scratch. I didn’t tell you because I valued your feelings and I almost felt guilty when you got rejected. But then I remembered, Yale can do better and I probably did them a favor.

I REALLY HOPE YOU READ EVERYTHING LOVE!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!