12 Major Leaguers As Little League Stereotypes

Every Major Leaguer had to get their start somewhere, and while this may not be the definitive history of their youth careers, it definitely illustrates who these dudes COULD have been on the diamonds of their childhoods.

True fact: I never played Little League. It's a truth that haunts me to this very day. I never got to do an Opening Day Parade and I definitely never had friends named Corky or know the gritty details of baseball-related hosiery and all that comes with it.

But this ain't about what I did or didn't do as a somewhat obsessive child of the San Fernando Valley in the 1990s, though. I present to you a Little League Opening Day Parade, featuring current Major Leaguers who fall into some of the more endearing (and in some cases, not so endearing and mostly annoying) archetypes of Little Leaguers.

P: Zack Greinke, Dodgers - The Weird Kid

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Despite having a killer arm and deceptive mechanics, Greinke’s craftiness gets him in trouble off the diamond. This weirdo and has been placed on the “at risk” list at his middle school for enjoying the bunsen burners in the science lab just a little too much. He smells a little off and spends most of his dugout time making piles of dirt with his cleats. Kim Hershey, a classmate of Greinke’s described him as “who?”

P: Yu Darvish, Rangers - The Chillest Bro Supreme

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In the world of this fake Little League, Yu Darvish is as close to a sex symbol as we have. When he pitches, girls from all across the area descend on the fields and press themselves against the chainlink just to catch a glimpse of his floppy hair and devil may care Persian-Japanese attitude. For his birthday last year, Yu rented out the local skatepark, ordered 20 pizzas (even a couple Vegan ones) and invited everyone to just come “hang out.” Darvish, known by teammates as “Yu-D”, just got a PS4 AND XBOX ONE, so like, suck it.

P: Jose Fernandez, Marlins - The Danny Almonte

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No one really knows where Jose came from or if he even lives within the district, let alone the country, but he’s here, he looks at least 5 years older than all the other kids and his fastball is a solid 20mph faster than the next best kid. Questions mount with every batter he blows away and the league office is beginning to ask them. The Marlins’ manager maintains that Jose is indeed within the age parameters and definitely did not graduate high school before defecting and moving to the States.

DH: Jason Kubel, Twins - The Team Garbage Disposal

Via lesterslegends.com

Ever seen a preteen house two pizzas in 25 minutes? Kubes is a one-man party and known leaguewide for his ability to eat prodigious amounts of food in unspeakably short amounts of time. One time, he ate a roll of cookie dough in one long, disgusting bite, eliciting laughter and astonishment from his teammates. His trademark move when he finishes a feat of eat is to lift up his shirt, rub his belly and proclaim “I AM THE BELLY BOMB” as loudly as humanly possible.

C: Buster Posey, Giants - The "We Get It. You're the Catcher"

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The one thing Buster Posey loves more than anything is gear. Gear, gear, gear gear. Each winter, you can find him expectantly waiting for the mailman to deliver the new Eastbay catalog, and as he cracks its spine, he lifts the freshly printed paper to his face an breathes the deals in deeply. Two personalized airbrushed facemasks, pads, pads for his pads, pads to protect parts of your body you didn’t even know needed pads or protecting, you name it, Buster has got it. Despite what seems like simply too much gear, Posey manages to carry ALL of it himself, without help, sometimes appearing as a walking mass of Easton bags as he approaches the field before a game.

1B: Freddie Freeman, Braves - The Meathead Jerky Jerkface

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I’ll keep this short. Freddie Freeman is a real fuckass. Freddie Freeman is the guy who farts in your face and then laughs and high fives his friends as you choke on his butt wind. That’s who Freddie Freeman is. An all-star asshole.

2B: Scooter Gennett, Brewers - The Little Guy

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With a name like Scooter Gennett, it wasn’t as much a question of if he would play Little League baseball, but a matter of when. His role off the field generally amounts to climbing through ducts and vents during road trip schemes and hijinks due to his size and prophetic name. Scooter—all jokes aside—adopted his name from being a fan of the Muppet gofer and satin jacket enthusiast of the same name.

3B: Mike Moustakas, Royals - The Greek Myth

Via rantsports.com

When it comes time for the end of season banquet, there’s not a doubt in anyone’s mind that Moustakas’ parents, Yiannis and Helen (not their real names), owners of the Greek restaurant in the West Valley called “Olympiakos”, will eagerly host. If you haven’t seen a group of teenagers eat a spanakoptia and throw dollar bills at belly dancers, well, then you’ve apparently never had the pleasure of being drafted to Moustakas’ team for a season. In fact, Moose’s papou Theodoros often entertains the team before big games with Homeric motivational speeches. ZITO HELLAS!

SS: Jean Segura, Brewers - The One Who Jokes

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Jean Segura possibly has undaignosed ADD. He’s described by teammates as “the most hilarious guy since Dane Cook” and does impressions of all the characters from Family Guy. He was suspended from school and had his Spring Formal privileges revoked for sticking an American flag in each ear and running through the 6th grade locker hall screaming “Occupy Ball Street!” and “9/11 was an inside job”.

OF: Josh Reddick, A’s - The Kelly Leak, Basically

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Josh Reddick is a man of exquisite mystery amongst the Little League set and the expanded universe around it. He rides a moped to practice and has been caught smoking American Spirits on multiple occasions. He recently got into Kerouac and Gil Scott Heron and is truly way to cool to actually be a person. Reddick has also been seen on that hill past left field by the swing set making out with a high school girl with pink hair who wears a denim vest with a Dead Kennedys back patch, although they’re not really into labels or “making a thing” out of their thing.

OF: L.J. Hoes, Astros - The Damn Good Outfielder with a Silly Name

Via cdn.fansided.com

Make fun of his name. I dare you. I double-dog, fuck-a-duck dare you.

OF: Mike Trout, Angels - The ONE

Via gammonsdaily.com

Legend has it, one summer day in 1991, the heavens opened up and Mike Trout floated down like a little winged cherub on a cloud and landed in center field, glove in hand and cap on head. No one knows if Trout was indeed immaculately conceived or is in fact baseball’s Neo/Harry Potter/Luke Skywalker/other Campbellian archetypical chosen one, but the fact remains that he sure acts like he is and you can bet your ass everyone treats him accordingly. Trout as Little Leaguer is constantly followed by a fog of rumors: He has autograph hounds at his front door round the clock. Ricky Timmons said there are SCOUTS coming to watch him next week. ESPN might televise his games. The Legend of Trout exists in the realm between truth and substance and transcends them both. He is who you want him to be. Nothing more. Nothing less.