5 Ways To Be Absolutely Sure You're Absolutey In Trouble At Work

Options: Quit, or shut up and take it. (Or just vent about it on BuzzFeed. Don't worry, it definitely won't get back to your boss...)

1. When your boss asks you to “stay behind for a minute.”

As the morning “pulse” meeting winds up and another 15 minutes of your precious (and by precious we mean you could’ve been putzing around on Facebook in a minimized corner half-screen on the computer) time is killed, your boss will ask you, as your foot is halfway out the door, if “you’d mind hanging back for a minute.” The tone of voice is quizzical and jaunty, almost as if they’re going to have a butler come in the conference room and serve you both tea, while you politely discuss the weather and the general condition of world politics. But as soon as the last person shuffles out and the door closes, the jig is up, the mood darkens – and you’re screwed.

2. When your boss saunters up to your desk and starts talking about something totally inane.

If your superior saunters over to your desk and starts saying things like: “that’s a really cool Styrofoam globe stress squeezy ball, I have one just like it” (they don’t), or, “Big League Chew bubble gum?! Man, I loved that stuff when I was a kid!” Rest assured, the next words out of their mouth are going to be: “Ahem – can you come with me for a minute?” (Incidentally, a phrase used exclusively by bosses and pedophiles). You’re in for a shellacking.

3. When you’ve been caught Facebooking – and you know it.

Yeah yeah, you were just checking Facebook real quick for just a second, to check something really important. Yeah, because your Grandma is status updating the results of her triple bypass surgery from her hospital bed. Your boss is dumb, but not that dumb. You might even think you’ve gotten away with it for a minute as you hunch a look over your shoulder as they pass by. Did they see me?? I don’t think they saw me. I’m good, I’m good. It’s cool.

But they saw you. And In five minutes they’ll be back. “Can you come with me for a minute?”

Shit.

4. When you receive a “verbal warning.”

Only in hourly jobs like restaurants and office slave mills do “warnings” exist. If you have a responsible salaried position and aren’t cutting it, they treat you like a dignified human being and either totally ignore you or promptly fire you. But in the world of handbooks and hourly wages, slacking off is so par for the course that if it wasn’t for the 3 or 4 or ten strike rule, the employee turnover on any given day would make the life of the business untenable. So you’re slacking off. You’re facebooking when you should be calling Don the plumber to see what his sub bid quote on fixing the crapper at the local pool was. Or you’re spending too much time not-so-subtly flirting with the pretty girl in the corner cube. Maybe your boss caught an accidental glance of you through the crack in the bathroom stall and wants to know why you’re spending 20 minutes at a pop sitting on the jon with your pants up, playing words with friends.

The funny thing about a verbal warning is that it’s actually written. Your boss will blithely take you into a side conference room, slide you a piece of paper, and then – rather than have an honest chat with you – will proceed to read through said sheet of paper with a monotone that makes C3PO the droid’s speech sound Shakespearean. Having received this verbal lashing, you’ll then sign the paper promising to be a good boy, nod your head, mumble some platitutde about upping your performance – and then head straight back to the bathroom to text all your friends about what a bastard your boss is. You might even get a move or two in on Words with Friends. Nothing is so subtle as going on a giant slack off spree immediately on the heels of almost losing your job.

5. When you decide it’s time to be honest.

The day will inevitably come. The meetings and the boredom, and the hours of sitting in a chair looking at a screen, or having to take a company sponsored “wellness screening”, or singing happy birthday to another corporate drone you don’t give one hoot about will all build like that heinous straw on a camel’s back. And then one day…

You’ll be sitting around the conference room table for the third time in as many hours. You’ll be listening to the real “go-getter” in the office talking about how “the team can really improve it’s efficiency and method of timeliness if..” You, and everyone else in the room knows this sentence should end “..if anybody actually gave a shit.” But no one’s going to say it. The polite nodding continues. And then she’ll whip out an excel sheet she made or some memo the boss sent out and start talking about the importance of “following procedure.” At this point, you’re writhing in mental agony because the mind can only stand so big a mound of bullshit. You as usual, try to focus on not caring, but you’ve finally been fried. “You know what, I’m going to say it,” You’ll think to yourself. “Everyone knows what the hell is really going on. Why doesn’t she shut up?! I’ve had it. It’s time for some bleeping honesty around here. Why isn’t anyone just saying what they think? Screw it, I’m going to say something.” And then you open your mouth.

You poor bastard. Your first mistake was thinking. Your second was deciding to let that thought progress. Strike three – opening your mouth.

“You know what, Donna?” You’re agitation is abundantly clear as you shuffle and lean forward in your chair, mind blazing, eyes sharp. This is the end for you my friend. But you’ve committed now, and no one can stop you, not even yourself. So your tenure in the cube will end, but you’re going out with a bang. Your William Wallace cry for freedom will be heard. And so you give them hell. “You know what the problem is? Let me tell you what the problem is…”

So it goes.