11 Reasons Sam Is The Best

Disclaimer: If you or those close to you are allergic to nuts, berries, or obnoxiously adorable public declarations of love, please refrain from reading this post.

1. She knows that champagne is the main ingredient in any winner's food pyramid.

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When presented with the world's largest bottle of champagne, this blonde bombshell anted up and replied, "So what will you be drinking?"

2. She can rock a mustache like a Marx brother.

Offering mustache rides daily. Free of charge for those less facially fortunate then her, which is pretty much everyone. I mean, have you SEEN those cheekbones? Genetic gold.

3. She's a sea captain.

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And we really like the cut of her jib. But be forewarned: nautical nonsense won't cut it on the S.S. Glitterbug. You'll be overboard before you can figure out the difference between fore and aft (spoiler alert: there is no difference).

4. She's a nature enthusiast.

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She is almost singlehandedly responsible for the preservation of the endangered Unicorn (Sparkletonus magicii)

5. She's an award winning graphic designer.

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Let's all stare longingly at her work, reminding ourselves of why we'll never be as chic, creative or successful as she is. Brace yourself for the day when Hinrichs, Goodby and Silverstein ad blitzes the holy hell out of the modern advertising world.

6. She can wear a zebra print snuggie like nobodies business.

Stunning vistas made all the more picturesque with the addition of a little zebra print flare. What's that? Catwalk along this cliff-side? Honey that's just how I do.

7. She knows that brunch is the most important meal of the day.

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A love affair between mimosas and eggs benedict rivals that of Rhett Butler and that one chick.

8. This happened.

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My apologies in advance. It was unavoidable.

9. She is a wiener enthusiast.

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Join me on a journey back to the sixth grade as we avoid the MANY joke opportunities this set us up for.

10. She puts up with this goofy character.

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11. Love you, gorgeous.

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