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22 Thoughts You Have While You’re Ovulating

The most fertile week of your month can also be the most miserable.

3. Sex sex sex sex sex.

4. Wow, that person is so hot.

5. I’d totally do that person over there.

6. And that person isn’t that hot, but I’d probably still do them.

7. I’d do most everyone right now, honestly.

8. I wish my top were lower and my skirt were shorter.

Fun fact: Women are more likely to show more skin when ovulating.

9. I also kind of secretly wish I had a baby.

Babies are so cute with their big slobbery chins and wiggly little toes and inability to care for themselves.

10. Don’t be ridiculous, self. I don’t need a baby.

What would I even do with a baby?

11. What I DO need is some food.

13. I need to eat every food that exists.

14. I just want to eat and have sex. At the same time, if possible.

15. I also want to hold and cuddle and snuggle a baby.

17. Dude, there’s a thing inside my body that could turn into a baby right now.

How sci-fi is that?!

18. What if there’s an actual baby in there now?

So what if I haven’t had sex since the Nixon administration, what if there’s a baby in there?!

19. Wait, what kind of pain is this?

Is the baby coming or is it just really bad gas?

20. It feels like my fallopian tube is exploding.

Damn you, mittelschmerz.

21. OK, I think the worst is over, but maybe I should get really emo and throw a tantrum for good measure.

WAAHH I WANNA HAVE A BABY BUT I DON’T REALLY WANT A BABY IT’S JUST MY BODY MAKING ME THINK I WANT A BABY WHY WON’T IT LEAVE ME ALOOONE!

22. It’s all over! Time to celebrate another month of triumph over my womb!

WOO!

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