A Carefully Researched Historical Account Of The Origin Of British Political Parties

Your vote matters – especially if you're an agglomeration of all-consuming nanobots. Find out where the parties stand on the things that matter to you.

Conservatives

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Party leader: Milwrath the Flame Lord

Originally known as "the gathering of the Old Ones", the modern Conservative party was formed in Sumeria in 5042 BC. Their key policies include low taxes, deregulation of business and the education system, and the Final Summoning.

Labour

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Party leader: Thorgen Bloodaxe

The first Labour candidates arrived on British shores in longboats in the early 1920s. At first, their hardline platform of coastal pillage and endless sheep-stealing put off many cautious British voters. However, a reinvention as New Labour and the adoption of the so-called "Third Way" – a combination of pillage, sheep-stealing, and thrones built from the skulls of their enemies – brought them three consecutive landslide victories.

Liberal Democrats

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Party leader: Chrrkchckk Chrchrk

While the Lib Dems were originally an insect party, after a weak showing in the 2005 election they opened their party up to arthropods of all kinds, a decision that appalled a lot of traditionalist members.

Greens

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Party leader: Golden Purity 6

As beings of pure energy which live in the space between universes, the Greens have rarely paid attention to fleeting human concerns. It is not known what has brought them into our reality, wrapped in the impossible flame of the Ever-World, but in interviews they have expressed concern over rubbish collection in Brighton Pavilion.

SNP

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Party leader: The Mechasaur

The rise of the SNP has been the great story of Scottish politics of recent decades. For a long time, the views of the country's robotic lizard population was all but ignored by the ruling classes, but a grassroots campaign and the crushing of Inverness beneath the titanium-alloy foot of Mrs Mechasaur has brought them right into the centre of the public debate.

Plaid Cymru

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Party leader: A Temporarily Humanoid Agglomeration

The swarming nanobots that make up Plaid Cymru have already consumed all the organic material in eastern Europe for the construction of their hive-world. Their candidates are structures of billions of the microscopic machines, wearing the faces of the humans they have devoured. At their current rate of geometric reproduction it is estimated that Plaid Cymru will cover the entire planetary surface by August. Their red lines for coalition-building include the scrapping of any Trident replacement.

UKIP

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Party leader: Sound and Motion

An experimental party whose candidates communicate solely through the medium of interpretive dance.