• How to Protect Yourself from a Bear Attack:

  • DONT GO CAMPING IN BEAR POPULATED AREAS.

  • How to Protect Yourself When a Bear Attacks:

  • You went camping in a bear populated area didnt you? Well its alright. You still might not die, but only (AND I MEAN ONLY) if you do everything I say. Im going to get you through this. I promise. 100% guarantee or your money back. (Good luck getting your money back after the bear kills you.)

  • 1. Play dead.

    Now this takes real dedication if you really want to fool the bear. Bears these days are wayyy smarter than the bears your father fought back in ‘Nam and therefore you’re going to have to pull a lot more stops in order to convince it to leave you alone. A convincing dead performance MUST have; a casket to lie in, a gravestone with a believable engraving* and a few dozen mourners to give a convincing cry. After presenting this performance to the bear, it should go away. If not, at least everything’s all there and ready for your funeral. *None of this RIP stuff (try to recall the last time you saw that on a gravestone not featured in I Spy)

  • 2. Act as if you are in fact the king of the jungle.

    I know you’re really a nobody, but you’re just going to have to do some acting for this one. Start off by throwing some insults at the bear such as…  “Whered you get that fur? The Burlington Coat Factory? It looks so fake.” Or… “My date with your mom last night was really fun. We went out to dinner. We went to Cheesecake Factory. The service was really nice. We went Dutch on the bill after much debate. Then we went to your house and she took me up to your room. Your bed was nice if you know what I mean.” And then follow it up with… “Actually looking back, I dont think you know what I mean. See, we had a lot of fun on your bed. We played Risk. And then I spilled some wine on your mattress. HA! See that was the part I felt like you werent going to get. The wine on your mattress thing. Sucks to be you.” After some to the point and piercing insults such as those, the bear will definitely regard you as the king of the jungle regardless of how loserish you really are. What? You say you are not in a jungle. Oh, well then disregard this last suggestion, it’s not going to work.

  • 3. Persevere the bear.

    Completely open to interpretation.

  • 4. Be the bear.

    This one is going to require ownership of a full body bear suit. You’re already wearing one? Well then you are one step ahead of me. Allow me to explain what to do to those who aren’t so ahead of the game as you are. Go out and buy a bear suit. Alright now everyone should be on the same page. Once in the said bear suit, approach the bear in a nonchalant sort of matter. Perhaps stop to look at those tasty leaves to your right. The main thing is not to look too eager. This will be a turn off. Im going to make a note here that this tip should probably be called “be the bear AND seduce the bear.” That added clarification probably just cleared up some confusion you may have been having. Anyways, youre being nonchalant, real sexy like and then the bear approaches also in a nonchalant matter. I know the little games are SO ANNOYING but hey, whatever’s going to get you that second date right? Finally, you’re within arms length of the bear. You can feel the warm breath coming upon your bare skin. And youre eaten. Why did you take off the bear suit?! You shouldn’t have been able to feel the warm breath upon your bare skin. It should have been your BEAR skin. You were basically asking to be eaten, being that close to a bear and not even wearing the costume.

  • 5. Complete the bear.

    This is my last tip to bear-encounter-survival. Use it wisely.

  • If you’re reading this I am assuming you have either successfully thwarted the bear-eating-you situation or you are the bear. Either way, congratulations.

  • —And that is how I kept busy in high school—