1. Buzz Strong’s Real Coffee Cookies
Sold in two flavors — dark and white chocolate chip or mint chocolate chip — Buzz Strong’s Real Coffee Cookies are baked with actual brewed coffee. Where other desserts dash your hopes with false advertising (looking at you, coffee cake), Buzz Strong delivers.
2. VE2 Gum
Previously available only in nine states, two pieces of sugar-free VE2 provide as much caffeine as a cup of coffee — pop four, and you’ll already have gum in place to stop the grindies.
3. BioFuel Caffeinated Popcorn
BioFuel has created a snack that gives late-night movie watchers a fighting chance at making it to hour two of the latest Christopher Nolan flick. Available in a resealable 3.5 oz. pouch or 70-serving “Big Bag,” which contains 2,000 mg of caffeine. (For people with lots of friends, or who do not fear death.)
4. Wake Up on Time Pills
Pop two of these vitamins before bed and hours later they’ll begin releasing small amounts of caffeine. So when your alarm goes off, you’ll rise alert, energetic, and excited to brew a gigantic pot of coffee.
These caffeinated sunflower seeds are from Ohio-based Dakota Valley Products. Each 3.5 oz bag of premium, gum-toughening seeds is dusted with 120mg of caffeine — one-and-a-half times the amount in the energy drinks favored by thrill junkies and rehabbing celebrities worldwide.
6. Water Joe
Swap your weak Dasani for the live wire of the water world. Tapped from a protected aquifer in Wisconsin and given a shot of “natural caffeine extracted from coffee beans,” Water Joe perks you up without high calorie and sugar counts.
Since huffing Wite-Out only makes you kind of dizzy, inhale something more productive. AeroShot’s inhalable “coffee” delivers the caffeine of your regular cup (plus B vitamins!) without the “mystery chemicals” found in other energy products and super-intense Agatha Christie lab textbooks.
8. Human Blood Caffeinated Energy Potion
For vampires and the deeply, deeply weird, Human Blood Caffeinated Energy Potion promises revitalization as well as a “yummy fruit punch flavor [that] looks and feels like human blood.”
9. Bang! Caffeinated Ice Cream
Get a jolt from your sundae with Bang!, a caffeinated ice cream from Madison, Wisconsin. Four flavors promise an ice cream scoop with the potency of an energy drink. Combine with Red Bull for an energy shake. (You, not the drink.)
10. Bazi Energy Shot
This artificial stimulant–free energy shot is filled with natural caffeine equal to a half-cup of coffee; schloads of antioxidants; and eight “superfruits,” including jujube, goji, and mangosteen (an Indonesian citrus that’s only mentioned here because of its disproportionate influence in the media).
11. Black Blood of the Earth
From the same nuclear-weapon-disarmer who brought you Steins Of Science, BBotE is a super-caffeinated cold-vacuum-extracted coffee brewed in the dude’s Oakland loft that’s packed with 40 times more caffeine than a normal cup of drip.
12. Spazzstick Caffeinated Lip Balm
For those who suffer from chronically tired lips, there’s finally a solution. Spazzstick delivers your daily caffeine dose through a chapstick tube, which also boasts SPF 15 protection and “yummy flavors.” Use it to stay awake on a long day, or to entice a sleepy girl to make out with you.
13. Contact Caffeine Soap
Laced with absorbing caffeine, these soaps come in man-appropriate scents like the spicy anise-/black pepper-infused Absinthe, the smells-exactly-like-leather Aeronaut, and one called Sex Panther, which is a blend of stuff like citrus, balsam, vanilla, and Paul Rudd jokes no one ever overuses. EVER!
Thanks to the energy experts at Caffex, you can add a third shaker to your table set. Sprinkle this tasteless stimulant on your lunch and get a coffee cup worth of caffeine. Plus, its white powder provides a front for your caffeine addiction by making it appear as though you only have a coke problem.
15. Proteinaceous Coffee
Simultaneously jack yourself up on caffeine and 10g of protein with a cup of this “gourmet” instant coffee and its “revolutionary heat-resistant protein matrix” (just like the normal stuff, only whey cooler).
16. Sante Homme II Caffeinated Deodorant
Get your armpits amped with Sante Homme II’s organic caffeine deodorant spray. In addition to caffeine, each bottle boasts a “manly and distinctive” scent with “woody-spicy nuances and fresh lemony touches,” so you won’t smell like the lockers at Starbucks.
17. Eruption Effervescent Energy
This alliterative energy/recovery supplement promises “no jittery feelings.” You can add it to water for a morning boost, or mix it in with a stiffer drink for a nice alternative to ch-ch-ch-cherry bombs.
18. Zotes Sunflower Seeds
The Salt Lake outfit has taken seeds to next flavor-echelon, serving up 11 varieties, including Spicy Nacho, Dill Pickle, Beer Baked, Tequila Lime, Hot Wings, Garlic Roast, and their caffeine-, taurine-, lysine-, and ginseng-loaded Energy Seeds, powerful enough to keep you awake through an entire baseball game.
19. Game Food
Stacked with ginseng, taurine, and caffeine, options include savory sunflower seeds, honey-roasted cashews, and ancho chili & lime peanuts known as the “Nuts of Destruction.”
20. Organic Coffee Bean Eye Cream
Promising to depuff your face while it brightens dark circles, Organic Coffee Bean Eye Cream’s secret is green tea and coffee bean extracts. As an added bonus, it’s vegan and gluten-free, so you don’t have to worry about dietary restrictions getting in the way of a delicious snack.
21. Energy Gummy Bears
If there’s one complaint the confectioners of the world never stop hearing, it’s this: “I like these gummy bears, but I wish there was just a little more sugar in them to make sure I never go to sleep.” Enter Vat19, which has created 60-calorie packs of gummy bears with all the caffeine of an energy drink.
22. Zoom Hot Sauce
Chile Man bears the proud distinction of making hot sauce even more terrifying than it already is. Its Zoom Hot Sauce mixes caffeine with habaneros, resulting in one serious, eye-watering pick-me-up.
23. Perky Jerky
Inspired by a batch of their regular jerky that ended up marinated in energy drink spillage, the dried-meat-loving dudes behind PJ realized there was something to it, and boldly decided to make 100% natural beef jerky spiked with guarana, which contains twice as much caffeine as coffee.
24. Octane Caffeinated Personal Lubricant
The people at Octane have engineered a lubricant that’s better at keeping you energized than the musical stylings of Barry White. Each “serving” contains about 100 mg of caffeine, which, according to the company’s website, will perk you up for five to 20 minutes, depending on your daily caffeine intake.
25. Skin Kiss Caffeine Tights
The U.K.-based company behind this marvel of modern science claims the caffeine can help ladies lose up to 2 cm around their thighs as well as improve skin texture. Just don’t let your hosiery give you a caffeine headache.
26. Caffeinated Chocolate Milk Straws
Sorry to be the one to break it to you, but you’re way too old to be drinking Yoohoo. Graduate to the big-kid version with Caffeinated Chocolate Milk Straws, the mix that promises the same amount of caffeine as two and a half energy drinks. It’s the perfect way to stave off fatigue and osteoporosis.
27. Youthful Trends Caffeine Makeup Primer
In addition to dispensing extra energy into your skin, this primer will allegedly tighten pores, hydrate, and reduce facial sweating. Ladies, your lip gloss is looking lazy by comparison.
28. Wired Waffles
Skip your morning coffee entirely and get a breakfast buzz from these waffles in 3- and 12-packs. Flavor options include bacon maple, cinnamon, and sweet sugar, and if you feel like being extra jittery for the day, drizzle some of their caffeinated syrup on top and then somersault out the door.
29. Alpecin Caffeinated Shampoo
A would-be Just for Men rival, Alpecin Caffeinated Shampoo claims to slow down hereditary hair loss by sending caffeine to your hair follicles. It’s made in Germany (which is why “caffeine” is spelled funny), but you can get some of this turbo-charged grooming product for yourself on Amazon.