For The Greater Good: 10 Awesome Examples Of Krony Power

A mysterious force fuels the greatest superheroes Washington has ever known. Get ready to get blown away by the power of konnections.

1. Taxpayers foot the bill for pro stadiums.

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How to you build a luxury pro sports stadium? Start with a solid foundation of eminent domain, pile up $1 billion worth of public funds, and slather on a thick layer of subsidies to hold the thing together! Between 1991 and 2004, American taxpayers coughed up more than $50 billion to build 78 new stadiums. What a bargain! After all, you can’t put a price on civic pride. Go Pats!

2. The entire Military-Industrial Complex.

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In a 1961 speech celebrating the U.S. arms industry, President Dwight D. Eisenhower coined the phrase Military-Industrial Complex to describe “the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense.” In the half-century since Ike’s famous phrase entered the popular imagination, the “Complex” has grown exponentially and innovative defense contractors like [NAME REDACTED] and [NAME REDACTED] have obfuscated their way to the top of the budgetary food chain.

3. Moo-ve over markets, here comes the Farm Bill.

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If planting wheat is one small step for man, then the farm bill is one GIANT leap for Krony-kind: The first farm bill, created in 1933 as a part of FDR’s New Deal, actually paid farmers NOT to grow food (during a period of increased poverty and hunger no less). How’s that for bold Krony experimentation? Every 5 years or so a new farm bill is passed by Congress to ensure that Big Ag behemoths like Monsanto and Dow AgroSciences can harvest a fresh crop of subsidies, tariffs, and mandates.

4. Green for green.

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When you’re hungry for a taste of the G-force, nothing satisfies your craving like a double-dip! Between 2004 and 2012, Solyndra and other politically-connected green energy ventures filled their cones (and coffers) with soft-serve from a federal loan guarantee program and helped themselves to a double-tip of stimulus funds. Dee-licious! Unfortunately, the majority of the green energy sector was eventually crippled by a multi billion-dollar brainfreeze.

5. AIG spends taxpayer money on ads thanking taxpayers for bailout.

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After AIG’s bad bets brought them to the brink of bankruptcy in 2008, the federal government stepped in to provide the company with more than $182 billion in taxpayer funds. In response, AIG launched a multi million-dollar ad campaign entitled, “Thank You America.” Talk about class! As a reward, our good friends Dodd and Frank helped AIG (and GE Capital) become the first non-banks deemed officially too big to fail. Clap…. Clap…. Clap...

6. Sarah Palin helps TransCanada drink the public’s milkshake.

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Palin loves to rail against the Kronies and their pals on K street, but this tough-talking Mama Grizzly is actually Big-G’s double-agent! In 2008, Governor Palin and her administration stacked the deck to ensure that only one company—TransCanada Corp.—successfully entered a bid to build a $26 billion natural gas pipeline from Prudhoe Bay to Calgary. To celebrate, the head of Palin’s “Pipeline Team,” Mary Rutherford (a former TransCanada employee), organized a feast for Palin staffers and TransCanada officials three months before the agreement was signed. In the end, after TransCanada walked off with $500 million in subsidies and public funds, the project was put on ice, right beside a slab of fresh King Krony Salmon.

7. The Troubled Asset Relief Program.

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During the Savings & Loan Crisis of the 1980s and 90s, Washington paid out more than $200 billion in taxpayer funds to floundering financial institutions. In response, representatives on both sides of the aisle declared, “Never again...will we allow a bank to fail!” The Troubled Asset Relief Fund of 2008, which disbursed roughly $430 billion to companies like Goldman Sachs and Citigroup, proved once and for all that politicians really do know how to keep their word!

8. Google takes the long view.

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Don’t be evil. Don’t be evil. Don’t be evil. Don’t be evil. Don’t be evil. Don’t be evil. Don’t be evil. Don’t be evil. Don’t be evil. Don’t be evil. Don’t be evil. Don’t be evil. Don’t be evil. Don’t be evil. Don’t be evil. Don’t be evil. Don’t be evil. Don’t be evil. Don’t be evil. Don’t be evil. Don’t be evil. Don’t be evil. Don’t be evil. Unless it’s for the Greater Good™.

9. Politicians fight for AND against well-konnected unions.

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D.C. may be the home of G-Force, but the Kronies have always had a soft spot for New Jersey. Sandwiched between Philly and New York, New Jersey is the saucy meatball in Big G’s interventionist hoagie. Case in point: In 2006, NJ Governor Jon Corzine addressed a rally of 10,000 public employees in Trenton, declaring “we will fight for a fair contract!” Corzine kept his promise—after all, the public employees were negotiating with him! After Corzine helped the Union out-maneuver Corzine, he was rewarded with a chairmanship at MF Global, a multi-national futures broker. In totally unrelated news, MF Global declared bankruptcy in 2013, just about one year after Corzine walked away with a $12.1 million severance.

10. Ethanol powers the engines of cronyism.

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How much ethanol would Americans use if the fuel wasn’t backstopped by federal mandates and subsidies? Not enough! This innovative corn technology not only powers your Mercury Mariner FlexFuel Compact SUV, it also lubricates the wheels of power. Sure, the skyrocketing cost of corn, goosed by an artificial market for ethanol, has (allegedly) contributed to starvation in developing nations, but when you’ve got the top down and the wind is whipping through your hair, do you really care about (some) starving children in distant lands?

EXTRA: Heath Shuler and Duke Energy.

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Heath Shuler sure knows how to play the Game: The former Washington Redskins quarterback and Blue Dog Democrat spent three terms in the House of Representatives fighting for legislation that funneled millions of dollars in federal grants and subsidies to his home state’s power giant, Duke Energy. After retiring from Congress, Shuler accepted a job as Duke’s Senior Vice President of Federal Affairs. Some members of Congress accused Shuler of being a “cap-and-traitor” but any Krony can see that he’s just team player!