21 Reasons You Should Never Visit Cyprus

That idyllic Mediterranean island with the sandy beaches? Don't go there.

1. The beaches are terrible.

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It's so annoying how you have to choose between white sandy beaches with clear blue water, yellow sandy beaches with clear blue water, and pebbled beaches with clear blue water. Ughhh.

2. Like, literally, there is nothing worse.

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Kill me now.

3. And it's in the middle of nowhere.

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It takes a whole hour to get from Cyprus to Lebanon, Turkey, Israel, Egypt, or Greece, so once you land you're basically stuck there forever.

4. There's zero culture.

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Doesn't every country have Greek, Turkish, Arab, and Armenian communities whose food, cultures, and languages have all intermixed to form distinct and unique versions of the things you'd have to visit four other countries to see?

5. Not to mention history.

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It's not like it was ever colonized by the Greeks, Egyptians, Romans, Venetians, British, or Ottomans and inspired anything we associate with those great cultures.

6. And *yawn*, what architecture?

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The capital Nicosia has Venetian city walls, Turkish baths, Greek ruins, Lusignan castles, hidden mosques, grand cathedrals, and cobblestone pedestrian streets bordered by 19th century houses with courtyards. But so does pretty much every town?

7. Oh big deal, there are columns.

Manfred Schweda / Via thisfabtrek.com

It's not like the Greeks and the Persians ever fought a major battle there.

8. You can't even literally immerse yourself in ancient mythology.

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Who is this "Aphrodite" chick? Who cares if she emerged from the mists of this beach that I can swim in? Who even wants to pretend they're a goddess emerging from the clear waters of a Mediterranean paradise?

9. The people don't know how to chill out.

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I already miss being elbowed by strangers for 15 minutes while waiting to order in a crowded Starbucks.

10. They're all really unfriendly.

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That donkey is totally giving her the stink eye.

11. And aren't interesting at all.

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Island people are so dull.

12. There's nothing to eat.

Via clubit.tv

Unique local spins on Greek, Turkish, and Lebanese fare that you won't find anywhere else. But who needs a giant, mouthwatering slab of souvla, or the enormous Cypriot take on the gyro/doner? There's a place in the mall that serves "Mediterranean" food.

13. And vegetarians are screwed.

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Greek salads? Cheese pies? Fried bulgur donuts stuffed with mushrooms and spices? Who would want that?!?

14. The food is all mass-produced.

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They don't even know what "organic" means.

15. Even the cheese is horrible.

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Salty, delicious cheese that you can fry or grill and eat for breakfast with cool slices of locally grown watermelon? Kill me now.

16. And don't get us started on the desserts.

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Deep-fried dough balls covered in walnuts and honey? Yuck.

17. The heat is unbearable.

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Unless you want to drive the whole 30 minutes to an idyllic mountain village to drink mint tea or "Cyprus coffee", try conserved fruit desserts, or eat grilled trout.

18. There is zero nightlife.

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It's just like home: the clubs are all next to each other, hand out free shots, and are open until dawn.

19. Some are even on the beach.

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Boring.

20. And there is a serious shortage of cats.

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Like, sometimes you walk a whole block and you only see like three cats! And they hang out with you in the garden and look all adorable and it's so annoying!

21. Seriously, where are the cats?!?

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