1. Maggie in “Maggie May” by Rod Stewart
Why: How is Maggie ever going to crash Spring Break and find a new boy-toy now that Rod has ousted her as a needy cougar?
Lyrics that kills: The morning sun when it’s in your face really shows your age.
2. Janie in “Janie’s Got a Gun” by Aerosmith
Why: Janie actually put herself through school and has a PhD in women’s studies, but now she will only ever be remembered for one thing: having a gun. She’ll never get tenure anywhere.
Lyric that kills: Now everybody is on the run, because Janie’s got a gun.
3. Betty in “Black Betty” by Ram Jam
Why: The whole world thinks her last name is Bam-Ba-Lam.
Lyric that kills: Black Betty had a child (Bam-Ba-Lam), the damn thing gone wild.
4. Sally in “Mustang Sally” by Wilson Pickett
Why: Sally just wanted to take her new car for a spin, why is everyone talking about her feet all of a sudden?
Lyric that kills: I guess you got to put your flat feet on the ground.
5. Eleanor in “Eleanor Rigby” by The Beatles
Why: Who even is this woman? She’s picking up rice at a wedding, she’s keeping faces in jars, she’s clearly insane. And now everyone knows it.
Lyric that kills: Eleanor Rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name. Nobody came.
6. Eileen in “Come On Eileen” by Dexys Midnight Runners
Why: Eileen is the subject of one of the most-sung songs ever, and no one knows why, because no one has any idea what they’re saying.
Lyric that kills: ??????
7. Girl in “Lullaby” by Shawn Mullins
Why: This chick needs anti-depressants, not a lullaby.
Lyric that kills: Even her smile looks like a frown.
8. Billie Jean in “Billie Jean” by Michael Jackson
Why: She’s the world’s most infamous would-be baby momma.
Lyric that kills: Billie Jean is not my lover, she’s just a girl who claims that I am the one.
9. Roxanne in “Roxanne” by The Police
Why: Roxanne told her friends and family that she was a receptionist in a dental office. The truth is out now.
Lyric that kills: You don’t care if it’s wrong or if it’s right.
10. Natalie in “Believe Me Natalie” by The Killers
Why: Natalie just wants to dance, this is getting really dramatic really fast.
Lyric that kills: Listen, Natalie, this is your last chance.
11. Rebel in “Rebel, Rebel” by David Bowie
Why: Her mom doesn’t even know her gender.
Lyric that kills: Rebel, rebel, your face is a mess.