30 Awesome Things Spike Didn't Do With Oldboy

Saw Spike Lee's "adaptation" of Oldboy yesterday, expecting to be disappointed, but came out of the theatre simply furious. It's one thing to try and fail, but Spike Lee's efforts on this film were simply lazy, so lazy. (SPOILERS) Spike Lee's adaptation is to the original what the synopsis on the back of a book is to the actual novel. The literal story is there, with most of the events and characters, but it lacks good story-telling, emotion, and the whole spectrum of qualities. This is my list of all the golden nuggets that Lazyboy Lee missed out on by being a lazy slob.

1. A Sense of Humor

Instead we got a dry, tasteless, straight-forward narrative

2. A Soundtrack

Old Boy's soundtrack was amazing, replaying the music from his prison cell as a motif throughout the movie and using it as his ringtone, which tortures him into answering the phone, though Dae-su know it is going to be bad news each time.

I think the motif in Lee's was: Bad violins are bad.

3. Any Philosophies

"Even though I am no better than I beast I deserve life." and "Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone." are the montras of Oldboy, they get Dae-su through the movie, allowing him to survive the entire idea.

Things should always be changed in adaptations, but to not replace the philosophies of the characters with anything is lazy and boring as hell and doesn't do anything for the audience.

4. Clock themes

Clock imagery, ticking sounds, numbers moving, etc. You know, so it feels like time's passing.

Lee went with, oh yeah, nothing. Except a racist bellhop who disappears instantly in a trick I've seen done better on Vine.

5. No Brolin/Wilson Sex Tape

No one asked for this couple to hook up.

Poor Wilssoooooooon!

6. Escape!

I'm supposed to believe, Josh Brolin's been locked up for 20 years, finally escapes...

Only to go back for a bag and let the gas knock him out?! No, just no. Dumb

7. Any Magic

The great thing about the original Old Boy, and Chan-wook Park's style is that there are magic tricks in his imagery. They're enticing and take you to a world, close to our own, but mystical.

In the shot where he comes out of the suitcase, it looks like Dae-su is way too small for to fit inside. But in Lee's remake, this scene is just an ad for Louis Vuitton

8. How exactly did Joe meet Marie again?

And your excuse for them falling in love is that you "raised her to be a caring person".

Lazy

Hypnotism is still more believable.

9. Getting Accustomed to the world.

Aside from sitting in the back room of his friend's bar, looking groggily around and not knowing what google is, Brolin's character adapts fine to the world after two decades of solitary confinement.

10. This Scene

No actors were injured during the making of Lee's lazy, boring movie.

11. Really?

You can take on Chigur but you can't handle an octopus?

12. Pacing

Pacing Lee, fucking pacing and telling a good story. You don't have to Tarantino it, but it was so dry and generic I thought Sarah Lee made it.

13. Hammers and Staples

Yellow hammer is Oldboys staple weapon, and it's yellow because that is the color of obsession. This goes well with revenge flicks like Kill Bill and Taxi Driver. I guess if Brolin had a staple weapon it was the box cutter, but then why did he also use a hammer and a tire iron?! Staple is staple. It's like if Bond was just like, nah I'll have a Bud Light tonight.

14. Stabbed in the Back

LEE CHEATED THE HALLWAY SCENE.

Yes, Lee's hallway scene looked like it was one take, but Lee admits it has a cut, also it was clearly fast-forwarded. And what got my gord is the climax of the scene, when Dae-su is stabbed in the back it's amazing b/c the camera never cut, it's like watching a magic trick on stage. But in Lee's version, the editor cut the shot before the knife is stuck in.

Which is FUCKING LAZY. You had a bigger budget! What'd you spend it on?

15. This Scene

So creepy, so poignant.

16. The Great Villain

If you want a great movie have a great villain, films with mediocre villains never do well. You know, like british guys with goatees stereotype.

The best thing about the original is that even though Woo-Jin is in total control of the plot throughout the movie, he still loses control of his emotions and reacts brashly. And while his backstory doesn't really make him a likeable character, it at least envokes some sympathy. Spike Lee's version was just: my dad is a pedophile.

17. Really?

I'm a sissy, I'm British and I have a goatee, has anyone figured out I'm a badguy yet?

18. Bromance

Like The Joker needs Batman, the protagonist and the antagonist in Old Boy need each other. Their adventure has made them inseperable. Dae-su needs Woo-Jin so he can get answers and revenge. Woo-Jin... apparently needs a hobby, kidding, his vengeance/creating someone to understand his loneliness, incest, and pain.

While they're both lonely, set on revenge, tortured emotionally, they're yin and yang in personalities. While Woo-Jin is calm, plots ahead and is deviously brutal / Dae-su acts on instinct, sucks at planning, and is brutal physically.

19. A Bad Dog

In the original there is the dynamic of the beast and the master, Frankenstein and his creation. Dae Su refers to himself as "no better than a beast", begs and licks his "master's" feet like a dog at the end of the movie. It's an interesting dynamic of dog and master, Dae Su doing tricks for his entertainment, while the master is in total control. Yet the master still hates his creation, though it satisfied his goal.

As I said, Spike Lee's lazy ass just made the villain British and gave him a goatee, real original. Like you couldn't have thought of anything?!

Lazy fucker.

20. Penance

Woo-jin's motivation to set up this whole elaborate plot revolves around his full revenge and apology from Dae-su, so he can be satisfied and kill himself. He only does this after Dae-su is begging and finally cuts out his tongue. Woo-jin "forgives" Dae-su and lets his daughter go without revealing their secret.

But Josh Brolin doesn't pay any penance, doesn't cut out his tongue, doesn't have to "reach" as an actor into that desperation, he just says he's sorry. He doesn't even try to kill Adrian, but Adrian kills himself 'cus Brolin figured out the mystery, like the world's shittiest gameshow host. Infuriating.

21. Whose tongue is in my car?

Lee never explains why there's a tongue in a box on the car when Joe and Marie get back from snooping at Evergreen Academy.

He also never explains that it's Samuel L. Jackson's tongue and when we see Sammy J again, it's in a music-overridden montage, so we would never know he can't speak.

SO LAZY

22. What's OldBoy?

"Why Am I called Oldboy? Spike never put it in the script."

23. GREAT Acting

The acting was good, Brolin did a good job. But the great thing about the original is how much the actors had to push themselves. The one-take fight scene, eating the octopus, the intensity at the end of the film, so many things. I love Brolin, he should have been the next Batman, but if you're gonna get a guy that'll eat a fucking Octopus and go apeshit on screen, shoulda called Viggo Mortison.

This was lazy and the actors didn't have to do anything that a Christmas romance would have asked.

24. "Eat Octopus?!"

"How Many?"

25. Not enough people fucking.

The flashback for Lee's villain includes the father going room to room, where his children immediately begin undressing. Like, what?! There's no possibility he's announcing dinner or just wants to check in on you? Like every time your Dad enters the room it's time to fuck? Every time?

You're silly.

26. A color scheme

Nope, none. Which is just lazy. All Lee did is put black and white photos in the background. We get it Old boy is Old.

27. Any Beautiful Imagery

I understand Spike Lee isn't known for his cinematography, but I mean, damn you're lazy. Just Mediums and Close-ups of the action with no planning for a scene that actually looks good? LAzaaay

28. Dexter

The ending in Lee's was lazy and limp, very much like Dexter's Series Finale. Oh he abandon's his girlfriend and daughter... oh wait....

to live a life in seclusion so he doesn't hurt people, boo hoo.

What happened to is he laughing or crying? Are they gonna keep fucking or what?! How is this going to work out?! Did the hypnosis work?! OH wait, maybe I should watch this again.!?!?!

29. EPIC!

The original Oldboy had an amazing blend of Greek tragedy and modern manga storytelling. It was epic yet personal, deeply sad yet funny and fraught with action. It was Oedipal, it was Hitchcock, it was Bruce Lee, so many things, but it was big, it was twisted, it was a a maze of storytelling.

There was so much to work with, even choosing just one of these things to be. All these gold nuggets and Lee took.... none of them?

30. LazyBoy Lee

I have three theories Spike Lee's movie seemed like it was strewn together one groggy morning after a rough night:

1- For the Money. I wouldn't classify Spike Lee as a sell out, but it seems he was trying to cash in on the "Gritty foreign-film, American Reboot for Christmas Crowd" that Girl with the Dragon Tattoo did. And sell outs have to start somewhere.

2- INTIMIDATION. It's an epic, powerful, and deep movie. I imagine Spike Lee was intimidated by the script and too wary to reconfigure much of it.

3- What I find most likely is that he thought the story was gritty and gross enough to carry itself, and relied too much on that. He didn't think he needed the nuances to shock American audiences, or to take care to tell the story well.

Remaking a film is like remaking a song, you add your personality, you add your culture, you add relevance. The point is you add something, the worst remakes are those that are straight by the book and don't show you anything new about the original, or make it relevant to your culture or time. Spike Lee didn't add a thing to this movie. He used its plot for whatever intention and was just too lazy to put the heart or labor into remaking this amazing film. It wasn't that he isn't a good-enough director, there are clear signs he just couldn't be bothered.