1. Eagle Scout by Age 16 (if you want a driver’s license)
Get those merit badges
2. Her? Not until you put a ring on it, buddy.
Now THAT is strength.
3. And you can’t even swear, FRICK
flippin’ sons of biznatches
4. Survive Church Ball Brutality
Watch the elbows and short-man syndrome
5. Survive it well
6. Go to Haiti for 2 years, learn French in 6 weeks, convince strangers to believe in Jesus.
Return home and be immediately normal.
7. Get rejected approximately 1,000 times a day
8. Come home with parasite, lose 50 lbs, still wins inter-mural championship
Jenny Craig worked for me
9. Get rejected 100,000 more times as summer salesman bro, get paid nothing
This seems oddly familiar…
10. Work 60 hours a week, then work 15 hours on church calling
You can sleep when you’re in spirit paradise
11. 7 kids under the age of 12, Drive Mormon Assault Vehicle
Celestial glory wagon
12. Raise those 7 kids on 10% less than the Joneses
But 10X the karma points
13. Six figures by 30, CEO by 40, retire by 50, go back to Haiti on a 3 year mission.
Basically, don’t be a 47 percenter. Being a dentist is also an accepted answer.
14. All this with nothing but ice cream and diet coke to drown your sorrows
Brain freeze wasted
15. Your Great, Great Grandpa provided for four wives, slacker
Yes dear, dear, dear, dear
16. You put up with magnets questions like a total champ
Toughness is patience
17. You’re sculpted like an ancient warrior
Seriously? Those arms are photoshopped!
18. Put two years of food on the table. NOW.
Potato pearls for daaaays
19. First ones to Hurricane Sandy
Where you at, FEMA
20. First ones to hurricane Katrina
Schooled FEMA, again
21. Transport your family 1,500 miles pulling a handcart like a boss
There’s a couple bags of flour in there to eat.
22. This guy
Porter Rockwell can stare through your soul
23. This guy
24. This Guy
Merlin Olsen, NFL Hall of Fame
25. And this guy
Steve Young, 49ers