1. "If someone even whispers the word 'asterisk', I will Gronk-spike their face."
Take your asterisk and put it next to the Jacksonville Jaguars entire existence and then come talk to me.
2. These Bills fans really need to shut up before I...
Wait a second...there are still Bills fans? Yikes. What's it like to suck for so long that literally the best thing to happen to you in years is that you get to lose to a different Pats quarterback this year?
3. "If you believe Belichick and Kraft had no knowledge of this, why did you fine them $1 million and take away draft picks?"
Sounds like someone whose name rhymes with Shmoodell had no idea what he was doing. Shocker.
4. "It won't bother me at all that when Roethlisberger comes to play at Gillette in Week 1, his rings will remain safely untarnished."
Sure, he's been repeatedly suspended for being a terrible and violent person. But he never "might have had people try to take air out of a football" so his Super Bowls stay safely asterisk-free.
5. "I kind of wish they'd deflated that bad boy in 2011 before Eli beat them again."
Everyone already called them cheaters before DeflateGate anyway. A fifth Super Bowl ring would be a nice addition to the middle-finger that the Patriots are constantly giving the rest of the NFL.
6. "Raise your hand if it makes you feel better to think that the air pressure of a footballs can win you four Super Bowls."
Okay now put them down because that's incredibly dumb and you know it.
7. "Actually, maybe Brady should get an asterisk if all he had to do to dominate the NFL for fifteen years was deflate some balls here and there."
A big, fat, diamond-encrusted, shiny, golden asterisk.
8. "If the Patriots win their first four games with Garoppolo at QB I may never stop talking shit on Twitter again."
Seriously the whole country should pray that they suck without Tom Brady because if they don't, Patriots fans pre-Deflate Gate will seem humble in comparison.
9. "Wait, you just gave the 38-year-old QB reigning Super Bowl MVP some free extra rest for the season."
Maybe we should be thanking you? I'm starting to feel better about this.
Header photo by: Michael Bentley
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