First of all, the kid is four years old and BALD. Like, squeaky reflectively bald. Second, and worst, of all, the kid complains all the time. About everything. And his parents are sooooooo patient. Like, to a fault.
The show is basically about a dumb kid being dumb and bald and bratty.
2. Rollie Pollie Ollie
Rollie Pollie Ollie had a pretty endearing storyline, y’know, in the way that talking-geometric-shapes-coming-of-age stories do. Oh, and don’t forget that while the main characters were geometric robots, the buildings in their neighbourhood all had faces.
This preschool show was meant to entertain and educate very young toddlers, BUT a toothless, bald, green beady-eyed “girl” is actually the stuff of nightmares.
4. Ed Edd n Eddy
A wildly successful show that was co-produced by American animators, Ed Edd n Eddy was not your average childhood cartoon series. Let’s just call it what it was: a stoner show made for young stoner children.
5. Yakkity Yak
This show might be the furthest thing from reality or sanity Canadians could have conceived: a dopey human-like yak befriends a human girl and a pineapple (who has a face and wears clothing). A pineapple, people. A pineapple.
Yes, we all can appreciate and reminisce about the South Korean doll “Pucca,” but when the English animated series debuted, suddenly all the sexual tension between she and Garu and all the animals making out got just a little weird.
7. Jimmy Two-Shoes
The show sticks an average, obnoxious, happy-go-lucky boy in a depressing, emo town that’s actually called “Miseryville.” Thankfully, for Jimmy, he’s got his sidekicks: a girl and a …giant red thing.
8. George Shrinks
Yeah OK, two parents just accept that their kid shrinks to be, like, 12 cm tall and they just continue living their life like having a boy thumbelina who rides their dog around the yard like a horse is just common day. Yeah OK.
9. Numb Chucks
The plot follows two woodchuck brothers learn kung fu, which is fair, I guess. But all the battery, bruising, and graphic violence that are drawn in cute cartoons makes the whole thing very awkward.
10. George and Martha
This show proved that just because something was once an original illustrated book series, doesn’t mean you have to animate them and ruin the books forever. George and Martha are a married couple. They are hippos. And they might be the most boring married hippos that ever had their own television cartoon series in the history of boring hippo TV show couples.
11. The Ripping Friends
The premise: Four superhuman, superhero brothers fight crime.
What we watched as an impressionable child: Four terrifying grown men on STEROIDS aggressively obsessing over each others’ — and their own — butts.
Important note: They had a foster mother named “He-Mom.” That is all.
12. Ned’s Newt
OK, so a boy who has a pet newt isn’t the weirdest premise for a kiddie show EXCEPT THAT THIS BOY’S NEWT GROWS TO THE SIZE OF A REFRIGERATOR. A GIANT TALKING BLUE REFRIGERATOR. And he’s just walking around town with a monster newt like it’s not the most terrifying thing in the world.
13. And Angela Anaconda
WHERE DO WE EVEN START: Somewhere in all of the strange human cut-out faces, strange choppy animation, strange plots, carried by strange dialogue, between strange characters, is someone’s truly horrifying acid trip.