1. Perd Hapley
Host of popular shows as “Ya Herd? With Perd”, “The Final Word with Perd”, “Lights, Camera, Perd”, and his newest hit: “Are You There Perd-verts? It’s Me Perd, Hosting a New Segment”.
Quote: “And 100 percent of Pawnee-ans are Perd-verts. That’s the name I call fans of this show, based on the fact that my name is Perd.”
2. Jean-Ralphio Saperstein
Jean-Ralphio represents everything good about Parks and Recreation.
Quote: “One time I waited outside a woman’s house for five days just to show her how serious I was about wanting to drill her. Turns out, it was the wrong house. She loved the story anyway. We got to third base. Over the pants.”
3. Mona-Lisa Saperstein
She’s the WOOOOORST, but also the most hilarious.
Quote: “My shrink got me and him tickets to a Pitbull concert and I already committed to that, and so if you say I can’t go it’s like you’re taking something away from me.”
4. Tammy 2
The most deranged librarian in Indiana. Bless her.
Quote: “If I’d had a park like that growing up, I probably wouldn’t have gone through such a prolonged mall-slut phase.”
5. Tammy 1
She poured acid on Tammy 2’s feet. She’s terrifying.
Quote: “Why is your mustache trembling?”
6. Joan Callamezzo
The celebrated host of “Pawnee Today”, Joan isn’t afraid to powder every part of her body to get the man she wants.
Quote: “I’m a woman with a strong sexual appetite. I’m like a caged peacock, yearning for the wind on my haunches.”
7. Ethel Beavers
Ethel Beavers is the future awaiting every female Thought Catalog reader.
Quote: “I’m not married. I was on a date tonight. It went well, he’s sleeping over.”
8. Councilman Dexhart
Who knew John Edwards had a doppelgänger in Pawnee?
Quote: “And to my wife: I apologize. All I can say is, I wasn’t just having sex. I was making love to a beautiful woman. And her boyfriend. And a third person whose name I never learned.”
9. Bobby Newport
Bobby Newport is the adorable Ryan Lochte of politics.
Quote: “By the year 2013, we will have a fully functional mall on Jupiter.”
He studied zoology in college and can control animals with his mind. Shockingly, he’s still single.
11. Councilman Jamm
Councilman Jamm is the worst. That’s all there is to say about that.
Quote: “You don’t even have to be Asian to do math that simple.”
Shut up Kyle.
Quote: “Doctor says its probably not serious, but it might be.”
13. Marlene Griggs-Knope
She replaced Joseph Stalin. Not in terms of genocide, just in terms of being on Earth.
Quote: “Oh, like any married couple, honey, your father and I fought occasionally. Sometimes he won the argument, sometimes I won, but usually we forgot what we were arguing about and just had sex. Anyway, the important thing is that we always ended up on the same team. And in the same bed.”
14. Marcia and Marshall Langman
The happily married couple who in no way draw comparisons to Michele and Marcus Bachmann.
Quote: “We all have some crazy urges from time to time, but you can’t act on them. You have to bury them way down deep inside. You have to say, ‘Get out of here you crazy urges! You are not welcome in this brain of mine!’”
15. The Douche
Leslie and the Douche are dating in real life! TELEVISION IS REAL.
Quote: “I’m gonna scan a quick pic of them boobies for a little deposit in ‘El banco de spanko.’ That was the douche talking. Douche Nation! You guys know where the library is?”
16. Brandi Maxxx
Star of such films as The Incredible Burt Wonderbone, A Good Guy to Lay Hard, and Argo.
Quote: “And just like Leslie, I know what it’s like to be the only woman in a room full of men.”
17. Diane Lewis
Only Xena Warrior Princess could tame Ron Swanson into his third marriage (with a lil’ Swanson on the way!).
Quote: “I love you, but your solution to every problem is to live inside a mountain.”
18. Tammy Zero
Ron’s Mother (The Original Tammy) who makes moonshine strong enough to burn warts off of mules.
Quote: “This is America isn’t it? Then I don’t have to answer stupid questions while standing on my own property.”
19. Jennifer Barkley
She hated Pawnee almost as much as she liked Chris Traegar’s body.
Quote:“Don’t be the kid that graduates high school, hangs out in the school parking lot. Be the woman, who moves away, climbs the ladder, and then confidently comes back and has sex with her hot, old English teacher just for kicks.”
20. Lil’ Sebastian
His death made Ron Swanson cry. NEVER FORGET.
If Craig was upgraded to a regular on this show, I would die of sheer joy. That’s how great Craig is.
Quote: “Oh I have a medical condition all right. It’s called caring too much! And it’s incurable! Also I have eczema.”
22. Ingrid de Forest
I would go to a bankruptcy brunch too if Michael Buble was singing.
Quote: “Sure, let’s not have brunch…like animals.”
I would watch the show where Tynnyfer and April travel the world together.
Quote: “I used to be Jennifer and then I decided to rebrand myself.”
24. Dave Sanderson
Louis CK is the best, but Ben + Leslie forever.
Quote: “I like Ms. Knope. I liked her. I got to say when I first met her I didn’t care much for her because like 99% of the people on any given day of my life she was very belligerent and disagreeable.”
25. Dennis Feinstein
Fragrance maker who changed his name from Dante Fiero to Dennis Feinstein so he would be considered “exotic” in Pawnee.
Quote: “You guys ever been fox hunting? I have my own foxes flown in from Russia, and we drug them pretty heavily so they can’t get that far. In fact, they mostly flop around on the ground, makes it easier to just walk up and POW! Stupid foxes. It’s deeply erotic.”
26. Sewage Joe
Went to Sarah Lawrence because he wanted a small-college experience.
Quote: “If you are looking to buy some weed…… I’m looking as well.”
27. Jessica Wicks
The former Miss Pawnee is also Bobby Newport’s step-mother.
Quote: “I was doing a ribbon cutting at the hospital, and he was there because his blood doesn’t work. We started talking, and then I realized who he was. Oh my gosh it was love at first site.”
28. Ron Dunn
I hope they bring other Ron back to start a kale juice stand right next to Ron’s house.
Quote: “I’m a yoga nut, and I’m a a nut nut. They make delicious nuts, man. I’m a vegan, of course. Slowly working towards full freegan vegan.”
29. Lindsay Carlisle Shay
She deserved to be punched after calling JJ’s waffles “dog laxatives”.
Quote: “You look like you’ve been working hard, you have like a million flyaways right now. Would you like to borrow a mirror… or a self help book?”
30. JJ (Of JJ’s Diner)
The man who understands what is important in life: Waffles.
Quote: “Actually, you’re my favorite customer. You spent over $1,000 last year on waffles alone.”
31. Shauna Malwae-Tweep
Who hasn’t Shauna Malwae-Tweep slept with? (Answer: Tom Haverford)
Quote: “I can’t even land the shoeshine guy.”
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