5 Ingredients That Will Make You Look Like A Pretentious Chef

Your friends from out of town are coming over for dinner. Being the self-proclaimed foodie that you are, you’ve volunteered to cook a lavish feast fit for kings. The only problem is that you don’t know your colander from your slotted spatula. No worries, there are so many pompous ingredients out there that will dress your lame excuse for cooking into the Ru Paul of gourmet dishes.

Avocado in a Hamburger

Garnishing avocado on your sub-par homemade hamburgers is kind of like putting diamond earrings on a tow truck driver. It can feel weirdly deceiving yet deliciously enticing. Just make sure to arrange the avocado slices in a way that screams, “this is not at all favorable for actual consumption, but damn, does it look pretty!”

Bacon Wrapped Asparagus

Whoever said nothing good happens after 3am is just a vegetarian. We’ve all succumbed to late-night bacon cravings, preparing it shouldn’t take any time at all. Just wrap the greasy goodness around normally conservative food items like asparagus (the Richard Nixon of spring vegetables).

Or Bacon Wrapped Jalapenos and Cheese

The McCain-Palin duo of tart and spicy treats.

Even Bacon Wrapped Dates

The Enrique Iglesias of dried fruit. It may not be conservative, but it will always be your hero. ALWAYS

Tossed Kale Salad

Lettuce doesn’t exist in your refrigerator because you’re far too classy for that cow feed. Replace it with kale, which is kind of like the Justin Bieber of green leafs (underwhelming and cute, but everyone wants to get a piece of it). Add olive oil, vinegar, dried nuts, radishes, or sesame seeds that you have lying around and boom; you’re outwardly pretentious about your greens.

Grü-ˈyer Cheese

Whatever you do, make sure that you’re serving diced Gruyere cheese on a fancy serving platter, or even a doily. Not only is it the swankiest Swiss cheese that you can actually afford, but also your dinner guests may be too scared to pronounce it incorrectly. Go on; scare them with your false intellect and try enunciating on the ‘gru’ sound to make them feel extra uncomfortable.

Truffle Oil Macaroni and Cheese

When people be all like, “what’s truffle oil?” Just respond with: “it’s truffle and it’s oil and you put it on yo’ mac n’ cheese.” Seriously, cooking anything in truffle oil will make you seem like the Casanova of cuisine. Best part is, you can cook something as simple as macaroni and cheese but still appear to have outdone yourself because truffles sound fancy, so truffle oil must be as extravagant as Kanye West’s chest hair.