1. 1. Buy Valentine’s Day cards and use them as kindling.
Heat your home and melt your icy heart (yeah, right) as you burn these ostentatious symbols of romance, and love, and everything else that’s wrong with the world.
2. 2. Book a table for yourself and ruin everyone’s dinner.
Find the most romantic bistro around and begin violently crying halfway through your meal. “He left me!”, you say, dropping from your chair and vigorously pounding the floor as the troves of beloveds turn their heads. “He just left me, and I never saw it coming!” *Sniffle, Sniffle* “We’re all just hanging by a thread!”
They’ll offer you their condolences (perhaps some of their desserts, if you’re lucky) and anxiously choke down their lobster, wondering if they’ll be the inconsolable lunatic this time next year.
3. 3. Go to the local shops and “accidentally” drop and trample on each box of chocolates.
Now those delicious candies will be broken. Like you. Maybe you should take some home to keep you company because you have so much in common with them.
4. 4. When your Facebook friends post pictures of all the gifts they receive, retaliate by commenting with an embarrassing story from their past.
“Hi, Rachel. Seven years no talk. I’m really glad you’re enjoying your romantic spa day, and congrats on the engagement. Remember that time in high school when you pissed your pants? It was funny because you were 18. And totally sober. Enjoy your night!”
5. 5. Stand outside the flower shop singing ‘Every Rose Has Its Thorn.’
Your voice might be hoarse from all the crying you did to sleep last night, but your message will be clear: devastation and betrayal are the essential ingredients to every love.
6. 6. Post flyers throughout your neighbourhood to remind the smitten sweethearts that STD’s don’t sleep.
You’re obviously not getting laid on Valentine’s Day, and that means no one else should. Or at least no one else should without being constantly worried about the crazy things that can happen to their body, should they be infected with Chlamydia.
7. 7. Start a campaign to save the bears.
The heart-wielding Valentine’s Day teddy bears that is. The last place these delightful creatures should reside is with some disgusting, lovesick couple.
8. 8. Play a drinking game to ‘Love Actually.’
Take a sip each time you want to puke. Then reflect on how grateful you are that you don’t have someone in your life who loves you unconditionally. Ick!
9. 9. Cause a lover’s quarrel
Invest in some napkins and apply your cherry red lipstick— the one your Grandma says reminds her of whore’s cheeks. Kiss the napkin, write a name and a number, and plant it somewhere on or near your unassuming victim.
Bonus: If you use your real number, maybe someone will call and you won’t have to spend your evening talking to your cat. But this probably, most definitely, will not happen. Good luck!