The Cursed Traveller's Tips To A Not So Successful Trip

How to effectively not arrive to your destination on time with all of your belongings

1. Always wait until the last minute to get your passport.

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Don’t worry. They can print your passport out in 3 hours, tops. Plus there’s a rush that comes with waiting until 48 hours before your international vacation to get the documentation you need to leave the country.

2. Never read both boarding passes for connecting flights.

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If you want to squeeze two vacations into one make sure your second boarding pass says “check-in at gate.” I almost got to go to Miami alone at 17 since the airline decided to disregard my year-old reservation and give my seat away. Hooray for renting hotel rooms to minors!

3. Always. Always fly through O’Hare.

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Chances are your flight will be delayed or even cancelled and you’ll get to hang out with fun disgruntled travelers who share your excitement for your upcoming airport adventure.

4. Check your luggage.

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Not only will you get to pay to have your bag stowed for the ENTIRE flight, but it could get lost! Your bag gets to have a vacation too! What could be better? Only the idea of roughing it without your basic necessities.

5. Travel the day two airlines nullify their merger

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Who says waiting in line for two hours isn’t fun? Plus you get to watch the new employees fumble with the computer system and search for your reservations which haven’t been transferred in time. But hey, they’ll waive your checked baggage fee. It’s a win-win for everyone.

6. When you’re in the body scanner at security

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Not only will you get publicly frisked but your badass points will skyrocket.

7. Fly into a tropical storm.

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You’ll get to extend your already unimaginably long layover and hangout in the super cool airport terminal. Plus you get to eat crappy over-priced airport food. Oh yeah, and most likely your flight will get cancelled which means an overnight stay in a hotel. That’s what I call more bang for your buck!

8. Sit next to and behind tall men in coach.

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They’ll put their seats all the way back and take up both armrests so it’s like you’re in your own little cocoon. Cozy!

9. Travel alone.

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If you don’t travel with a companion you won’t be distracted when you have all these wonderful experiences. This way you can fully absorb them.