1.
It's so sad that curiosity led to so many life-changing inventions, but is still mostly remembered for killing that one cat.
2.
[wins 4th thumb war in a row] me: "HAHA YES! i am the greatest" cat: "i dont think this is fair"
3.
New boyfriend is allergic to kitten so can't keep him :( He's ginger & named Tom. Friendly. Comes when called. 28yrs-old & works in IT.
4.
How would you rate your dining experience today? ⚪ Good ⚪ Bad 🔘 Using cats as waiters was a nice touch but we never received our food.
5.
When you see a baby picture on facebook, simply comment "Why did you shave that ugly cat?" and get yourself a drink.
6.
relationship status: cat
7.
Honestly, I'm really not a cat person. *loses all followers
8.
Your cat turned into a cat-sized spider so slowly, you hardly even noticed the change in his purring.
9.
sext: i love you (ten minutes later) sorry that was my cat
10.
10yro son: Can I use your laptop to find a cat picture? Me: Sure. Son: *typing* P-u-s-s- Me: NOOOOOO!! *knocks laptop out of the window*
11.
"You only live once." - a pessimistic cat
12.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work at this aquarium? Cat in a wig: I just love marine life ok [knocks over desk calendar]
13.
Each time my mom puts an inspirational meme about finding the right man someday on my Facebook wall, a cat is auto-shipped to my house.
14.
For my cat's birthday I'm covering my coffee table with change, bottle caps, pens & gum wrappers so he can just knock it all onto the floor.
15.
My wife is an animal in the sack, but that animal is a cat. She mostly ignores me unless she wants to use me for my body heat.
16.
You can use your cat as a towel. There's no specific laws against it.
17.
I'm on Facebook posting pics of my cat with a sign telling how many months old she is.
18.
"I can't watch the horrorshow of your life unfold any further" --my cat
19.
i saw a bro-dude at a bar say, "when the cat is gone, the mice have fun" and you could tell he thought it would rhyme. The moment just hung.
20.
[at the vets] He's really bad. He can't fly. "He's a cat though." [very sarcastically] oh I'm sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
21.
[first date at a chinese restaurant] "So are you more of a dog or a cat person?" *reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
22.
I pride myself on my cat-like reflexes. *curls up in a ball and sleeps in the sun for 12 hours*
23.
"ha ha haaa ha haaa ha ha ha ha haaa ha haaa" i laugh in morse code saying "please kill me" as my date tells me a cute cat story
24.
My cat sure drinks a lot of water for someone WHO CLAIMS TO BE TERRIFIED OF IT
25.
I wish I was as good at looking dead inside as a cat being hugged.
26.
[Don't let her know you're a cat] I got you this *she opens the box there's a dead mouse inside* "OMG WTF?!" *I start headbutting her elbow*
27.
Me: *Sobbing* One minute he loves me and the next he wants nothing to do me! Therapist: That's pretty typical cat behavior....
28.
i hav cat-like reflexes "prove it" *looks at a cat* (instantly) i like that cat
29.
---LOST CAT--- we hate this cat and are glad its lost /\_/\ ( o.o ) look at it. terrible beast. no reward
30.
*on phone* Sure I can come over! Let me– Cat curled up on my lap: *makes throat slice gesture with claw* No nvm, I'm just going to stay in
31.
One time I woke up and there was a cat sleeping on my bed that I'd never seen before and I just said "oh hello" and went back to sleep.
32.
cat lawyer: show us on this map where the accident occurred *witness raises laser pointer* *cat lawyer just fucking destroys map*