• 1. All the Quotes

  • 2. Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I’ve got some good news and some bad news: bad news is we’re postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we’ve got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You’ll know when the test starts.

  • 3. The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction. I’m no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of eggheads who wouldn’t recognize the thrill of danger if it walked up and snapped their little pink bras, that sounds like projection.

  • 4. Just a heads up, we’re gonna have a super conductor turned up full blast and pointed at you for the duration of this next test. I’ll be honest, we’re throwing science at the walls here to see what sticks. No idea what it’ll do.

  • 5. Oh, in case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here’s some advice tha lab-boys gave me: [paper rustling] do not get covered in the repulsion gel!

  • 6. Alright this next test may involve trace amounts of time travel. So word of advice: if you meet yourself on the testing track don’t make eye contact. Lab boys tell me that’ll wipe out time - entirely. Forward and backward. So do both of yourselves a favor and let that handsome devil go about his business.

  • 7. The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group, they’re telling me I ought to stop making these pre-recorded messages - that gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day!

  • 8. We haven’t entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I’ll tell you this: it’s a lively one and it does not like the human skeleton.

  • 9. If you’re allergic to peanuts, you may want to tell somebody now, because this next test may turn your blood into peanut water for a few minutes. On the bright side, if we can make this happen they’re going to have to invent a new kind of Nobel Prize to give us, so hang in there.

  • 10. They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants - not here. At Aperture we do all our science from scratch; no hand holding.

  • 11. All these science spheres are made of asbestos by the way, keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping, because that’s not part of the test - that’s asbestos.

  • 12. Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you’re thirty or older, you’re laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator and it makes a happy face.