If you're someone who isn't really a baby person, having to hold a newborn is enough to throw you into a complete panic.
Let's set the scene: Someone hands you their "adorable" baby and instantly your mind begins to race:
1. Do they think I'm going to hold that? No thank you, I can see it from here.
2. Oh, I'm holding it. This is really happening.
3. How did we get here.
4. OK, it's all right. This will be totally fine.
5. Nope! Not OK. Wow, it's really moving. Is it supposed to be moving this much?
6. Do I make eye contact with it? Are there some rules or guidelines I missed?
7. What was its name again?
8. Don't call it an "it" out loud. Do not.
9. Smile at the tiny blob. Good.
10. She hates that, don't smile.
11. Do I look okay doing this? Does my face look pained?
[Physically attempt to relax your face and outward demeanor]
12. I'm sweating and my nose itches but I can't reach it.
13. "Can you itch my nose? Thanks."
14. Try the baby voice, everyone does that.
"Heyyy there, baby!"
15. Sounds creepy when you do that. No baby voice.
16. I think my arm is cramping. These things are heavy.
17. Can I give it back yet or is that just rude...
18. Don't break it. That's the biggest thing we need to focus on here.
19. They better not leave me alone with this.
20. Oh, what is that face? She is making a face. Why is nobody worried about this face situation?
[Baby starts to fuss and cry]
21. WHAT DID I DO WRONG? I DON'T DESERVE THIS, I DIDN'T EVEN MOVE.
22. PLEASE STOP, I will do anything if you stop crying, tiny person.
23. Oh my god, whhhaaat? USE YOUR WORDS.
[The baby calms]
24. *sends up a prayer* Thank you, tiny human. That's better.
25. Stop staring at me with your eyes, please.
26. Did you just go to the bathroom? No... No, you didn't.
27. What are you thinking about? Do you have thoughts at all?
28. Whoa — this is getting deep, man.
29. Oh.... She's kind of cute right now.
30. Get a grip on yourself, damn it!
Give the baby back. You have done your time.
