1. I wonder if my doctor remembers I sleep with women.
2. I'm sure it's neatly marked on my chart.
3. Oh my god, what do they write on my chart?
4. "Flaming lesbo, don't ask about unwanted pregnancy?"
5. I'm sure they write that.
6. I should switch to a dude doctor.
7. Nope, I gave up men awkwardly touching me years ago.
8. Why can't I just talk to another queer woman? Why.
9. This is like high school coming out to my sister. Chill out, you're an adult.
10. You can do this.
11. I think I should just lead with it — let them know RIGHT AWAY I'm not into the dick.
12. No, I'll wait it out. Let them come to me.
13. It's 2015, she's probably seen it all.
14. Why doesn't this get easier with time?
15. I wonder how many vaginas she's seen? So many.
16. Definitely more than I have.
18. I wish Arizona Robbins could be my doctor.
19. I don't think I'm filling out this form correctly.
20. Don't see a "flaming homo" box to check on this, so I guess we'll have to do it in person.
21. There's a box of condoms. Haven't seen one of those in a while.
22. Deep breath: HELLO, I DONT DO PEEN!
23. That will work, do that.
24. *glances at speculum* I could use that as a sex toy, I bet.
25. Is that a dental dam over there?
26. I don't think I've actually seen a dental dam...
27. Should I ask about them?
28. OK, OK. Hello doc! Asking a lot of health questions here, slow down.
29. Yes, I drink.
30. Yes, the normal amount.
31. Here it comes, here is the double-whammy-million-dollar question.
32. "Am I sexually active?"
33. Pause, pause like you're thinking about it. Good.
34. "Yes, Yes I am."
35. Whew, you killed it. So normal.
36. What form of protection am I using?
37. Just say 'homosexuality' — that joke always kills.
(internal chuckle)
38. Oh, shit, I haven't responded and she's staring at me.
39. Just drop that bomb and tell her you're sleeping with ladies.
40. Did I just scream?
41. Why did I say that so loudly?
42. Did she make a face? OMG is she gay? Maybe she's gay.
43. How many queer women does she see a day?
44. What did she just mark on the chart?
45. She's going to skip right over safe sex... this conversation is over.
46. What if I was dating a trans woman? I should bring it up.
47. Nevermind, on to the big show *props up legs*
48. Do I have any further questions?
49. How about, is there a way to shut off my period because I KNOW I'M NOT PREGNANT.
40. "No, I think I'm good!"
51. I wonder if my vagina looked gay.
52. Is that a thing?
53. I should have asked more questions.
54. I should have had a better come back when she made that "just in case I go back to men" comment... rude.
55. Seriously, like what STD's am I more at risk for?
56. Can I still get herpes? I don't know what herpes looks like.
57. Like, just because I can't get pregnant let's just not talk about safe sex at all?
58. What if I had wanted to get pregnant?
59. I'll ask next time. I will. Sure.
60. She totally made a face when I said I slept with women.
61. Did she think I liked it when she gave me the breast exam?
62. Did I like it?
63. I wonder if she's single.
64. Stop that.
65. I handled that well.
66. It's going to be so much easier next time... right?