9 Parent Stereotypes I Didn’t Think I’d Be

Before having a child, I’d secretly judge the behaviors of parents. I wouldn’t chastise them or look down on them, I just thought to myself that that type of behavior isn’t good for the child (or the parent for that matter) and I’d never do what they’re doing when I had a kid. Now that I have one I totally get it.

1. “I Cry at Commercials” Parent

buzzfeed.com / Via ak-hdl.buzzfed.com

It's not that I'm more sensitive than I was before I had a kid, it's that I've now put in this whole backstory as to how great a job the parents have done to have a kid who wants to make coffee for his parents when he comes home from college despite his learning disability and chronic allergies. And I don't even drink Folgers.

2. “All I See is Germs” Parent

chicagonow.com / Via i.imgur.com

I grew up in era of no bicycle helmets and you only stay home from school if your spleen is falling out, so when I would see the gallons of hand sanitizer yielded by parents, I would secretly laugh at them. And now all I can think of when I see my child on the playground is a swingset covered in cholera.

3. “My Child is Crying! I Need to Fix This Right Away So That She Never Suffers!” Parent

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"Why do we fall? So we can pick ourselves up." - Thomas Wayne. Yep, Batman's dad totally nailed it when it comes to letting our kids learn from their mistakes and I truly do believe that sometimes you have to let your kid fall to let them learn how to pick themselves up. But that first time you hear your child cry out in pain is like, well, it's like that moment when Thomas Wayne dies and there's nothing little Bruce can do about it--except turn into a crime fighter.

4. “You’re Being a Real Baby and It’s Annoying Me” Parent

kotaku.com / Via i.kinja-img.com

I'm sure you've seen this many times: a baby cries and the parent gets irritated and your first instinct is, "Yeah she's crying. Why is that parent so angry? SHE'S JUST A BABY!" I'm here to tell you that on the other side is a parent who just wants to use reason and logic on a being that's operating purely on instinct, and that instinct is often making the baby want to grab electrical sockets and eat dirt. After a while you begin to have an internal debate between "Well she's just a baby" and "Well she should know better" which eventually ends in you going cross-eyed.

5. “I’m Going to Constantly Show You Photos of My Baby” Parent

amazinginfos.com / Via amazinginfos.com

This is particularly frustrating because I used to subscribe to the "you just had a baby, you didn't split the atom" philosophy when it came to new parents. So I got real tired, real quick of everyone's pics of their little ones staring blankly into space. But then I brought home the world's most beautiful baby of all time, and now I get it.

6. “Why Aren’t You Holding the Door for Me?” Parent

giphy.com / Via giphy.com

Again, I used to be in the "you just made a person, I'm not going to bow down to your every whim" camp, but then I got a stroller that handles like a wheeless shopping cart on a molasses hill, and now I've made it my top priority for my child to learn how to hold open doors for everyone so that she can be better than the selfish heathens that always seem to get to entryways before I do.

7. “No, I Haven’t Seen [TV show/movie/webseries] Yet” Parent

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I knew that things would change after having a kid and that I'd miss out on a couple of things. But I'm missing out on everything. I just didn't realize that even when I have a few hours to myself that I'd be so overwhelmed with choices as to which of the latest TV show/movie/webseries/podcast/video game/pop album/indie band single/NY Times book reivew/App game that I just wind up watching reruns of Mad About You.

8. “She Needs More Toys” Parent

Via s2.quickmeme.com

I used to brag about how I grew up with just one Tonka truck and I was happy (which is a lie). But I've found that my tiny Brooklyn apartment looks like a Babies 'R Us halfway house and I'm still thinking that she needs another gadget to help her learn her colors while walking and playing piano. Even as I type this there's a Cookie Monster hand puppet giving me the stink eye.

9. “My Child is Friggin’ Genius” Parent

gifbin.com / Via gifbin.com

My child is not a genius. Your child is not a genius. Our children are children and they are learning about the world and sometimes it seems like they're grasping concepts far beyond their capabilities and as parents we're witness to the beginning of life and what it will lead to so it seems that your little darling is using language skills at the 4th grade level. That's just gas.