No life is simple, whether you have a physical illness, mental illness or a combination of the two, you can be assured that you are not alone. In my teens I loved acting and growing up watching Harry Potter I so desperately wanted a role that I even sent a letter to the casting director. However, no life is that simple. I was bullied at school for getting high grades and my family was falling apart. My parents were on the brink of divorce and my mum was abusing alcohol. There was just nowhere where I could be myself and happy. Over time these problems took their toll and my mind started to crumble. I took less joy in things I used to love, such as food, video games and school. This is when my eating disorder began.
It started with the desire to become healthier. I cut fizzy drinks first, then chocolate and sweets. With time I started to cut food groups, mainly fatty foods and my diet eventually consisted of only chicken and potatoes. I had lost a lot of weight and was unable to participate in PE at school and sports at home. With the Internet still in its infancy and eating disorders being considered a 'girl's illness' I had no idea what was happening to me. I went from doctor to doctor, having every test under the sun to find the answer. What we didn't know was that my mind was ill and my body was just being taken on a ride.
I remember the day of my diagnosis like it was yesterday. It was an appointment to discuss the results of my thyroid test, which the doctor told my father and I was negative. They were about to say something else but my dad intervened and opened a folder packed full of research he had done on eating disorders. He said, "Is it anorexia? Does my son have anorexia?" The doctor said that he took the words right out of their mouth. I was referred to our local eating disorders service and they were blown away with how bad things were. The fact that I was male delayed my diagnosis by three months and I was on the verge of heart failure. Luckily a place was open at an eating disorders unit called Rhodes Farm. Normally people have to wait months for a place but I was sent there that week.
The next few months were difficult. I had to confront the demon that had its own villa in a segment of my brain. My first meal went down as one of the most violent that the clinic had ever seen, but I powered on through. Over time, I ate more and was putting on weight. That, together with my therapy sessions meant that my childlike mind was beginning to understand that the voice in my head that was telling me to hide food and over-exercise was evil. I decided to fight it.
Being an adolescent unit, I made some friends my age. However, I was one of only three boys in a unit that held 40 patients. This was commonplace for the time and highlighted how few male sufferers were in treatment. What was odd was that the unit never had 'so many' boys at one time and a BBC documentary called "I'm a boy anorexic" was made to raise awareness about men with eating disorders. It was great to be a part of this because I have seen the good that has come from it. I have guys messaging me on Facebook telling me that the documentary's message helped them to accept that they have an eating disorder and that they need to seek help.
One year after being admitted, I was discharged and had to pick up the pieces of my life. Despite missing so much school I managed to get the best GCSE results in my year. I realised that despite my brain being afflicted with an illness there was something that made me smart. This, together with my admiration for the doctors who saved my life, inspired me to study medicine. If I could not become an actor I would become the best doctor I could be and for this I wanted to get into the University of Cambridge. My first year results were enough to get me a conditional offer from King's College at the University of Cambridge. I met this offer and was off to Cambridge later that year.
Moving to university, I was exposed to a whole new life and this change finally saw me kick my eating disorder. I was out of my broken home and was making friends. These were all things I had wanted for so long. I was finally eating normally and rediscovered what true happiness felt like. The first three years flew by and I managed to get first-class grades. However, one thing that continued to frustrate me was that the public still could not accept that men could get eating disorders. Both men and women have a similar brain structure, with neurons that fire making us human. If you can think in this simple way you can appreciate that, regardless of gender, disease can come about if certain neurons fire inappropriately or not at all. People do not get confused when a man has Alzheimer's or Parkinson's, so why do psychiatric disorders have to be any different? Men can experience emotions (despite what some might have you think) and by the same logic, they can have a psychiatric disorder.
With a desire to convey this message I made a YouTube channel to raise awareness about eating disorders from a male perspective. I used my past experiences and newly acquired medical knowledge to provide advice and scientific explanations about eating disorders. I went with the thought that if I could help one person my effort would be worthwhile. Two years later I am still producing videos and am personally contacting people on social media to help in any way I can. It is clear to me is that men get eating disorders like women. In fact, if identities were omitted from my messages I would not be able to guess a gender in the majority of cases.
Moving into my fourth year I had a strong group of friend's and was getting a great deal of support from my family. The only issue was my mum. She was still abusing alcohol and the doctor in me wanted to make her better. That summer I spent most of my time looking after her and cancelled a holiday with my dad and siblings to make sure someone was keeping an eye on her. However, coming home to seeing her passed out was taking its toll on me. I was failing and could not fix her. This is what caused my relapse later that year and I had to defer from university for treatment. I had to accept that I could no longer help my mum if she could not help herself. I had to be selfish for my health. Had I done the right thing? That question still lingers in my mind. What I do know is that I am eating normally, love food and am going to become a doctor in two years time. But still, have I done the right thing?
If you are a man and think you might be developing an eating disorder do not delay seeking help. I did and it meant I missed out so many experiences that people take for granted. I have had dreams that I was Harry Potter and used Hermione's time-turner to re-live these experiences. I hope this story also helps the public realise that men can get eating disorders and that it should not be treated any different compared to women. No life is simple, but it doesn't mean we have to make it any harder.
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