So. Halloween is over, it's November. People are suddenly thankful for everything. You know this because of their super thankful facebook statuses.
People are putting up lights and trees and making Pinterest boards for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. The Holidays are officially here. Most people are like:
But, if you're single you probably feel a lot more along these lines:
Why is this such a hard time for single people, you may ask?
1. First of all, the holidays are basically completely designed to be enjoyed by couples. It's a very lovey-dovey couple-y time of year.
And if you're not in a couple people assume it's because you're pathetic and you can't get a date. (Which may or may not be completely accurate….)
2. If you don't have a significant other to spend the holidays with you can always spend it with your family…who will definitely bringing up the fact that you don't have a significant other the whole time. I'm not talking just Thanksgiving dinner. Christmas Eve, Christmas day, and New Years will all be filled with the constant reminder of just how single you are.
3. People will try to give you "helpful" advice about your single-status at all Holiday related events.
4. Parties. You will get invited to about 5.6 million parties over the course of 3 months. Nobody likes to go to a Christmas party, or any party for that matter, alone. It's terrible.
It's not even fun to get ready for a Christmas party you'll be going to alone.
And you always end up being the lonely one sitting in the corner.
Or you make a complete fool of yourself after drinking enough eggnog to kill a reindeer.
And you smile and laugh but the whole time in your head you're like:
5. Mistletoe.
Who the fuck invented Mistletoe? Obviously not a single person. Mistletoe is disgusting. What kind of plant is it even? Where does it grow? If you want to kiss your significant other why do you need to stand under a strange plant to do it? It's dumb. Mistletoe needs to stop.
6. That song "On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me…" Just fuck that song.
7. Christmas Movies are always ALL about love. Where's the Christmas Chainsaw Massacre movie? And your friends ALWAYS want to go to the movies during the Holidays. And you're just like:
8. Holiday Ads. As if it isn't bad enough that you have a constant reminder every time you step outside your door of "holiday magic" that seemed to have skipped right over you leaving you cold and single, you also get to be reminded by commercials while watching all your favorite tv shows.
9. Waking up Christmas morning…alone
What do I recommend to help get you through the holidays my single friend?
1. ALCOHOL. Getting sloshed all the time is basically 100% acceptable November-January. Take full advantage of this opportunity.
2. FOOD. No one cares if you gain weight over the holidays, that's what big sweaters and New Year's resolutions are for. Eat that pumpkin pie. You deserve it. Wrap yourself in the warm embrace of turkey, ham, and chicken because you don't have a significant other's warm embrace.
3. Remembering the true meaning of Christmas... PRESENTS!
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