This Is What A London Pigeon Actually Does All Day

They will shit on everything you love.

8:05am

Sian Butcher / BuzzFeed

Pigeons will sleep literally anywhere, but no one knows exactly where that is. This particular pigeon has woken up in a pungent, discarded shoe in Hammersmith.

9:00am

Sian Butcher / BuzzFeed

For breakfast, they usually eat the soggy, flaccid remains of the chips on the pavement outside the Kebab Express. They are not picky: Anything that will slide straight through the digestive system in under 45 minutes is ideal.

10:15am

Sian Butcher / BuzzFeed

Pigeons like shitting on stuff. Mid-morning, they fly vigilantly around central London, looking for the most unsoiled car. The posher, the better. Once they have found it, they do a poo on it.

11:10am

Sian Butcher / BuzzFeed

By late morning you've been at work for hours, and a pigeon has been sitting on the window ledge by your desk for 45 minutes. It's been staring at you and it's unnerving, and you call Gina from accounts to distract yourself. When you next glance at the window, the pigeon has left a cryptic message on the concrete using breadcrumbs.

1:00pm

Sian Butcher / BuzzFeed

At lunch time, you don't notice the pigeon following you to Pret a Manger. It waits behind an empty packet of Quavers across the street for you to buy your BLT, before following you back to the office again. You are wearing a nice suit, so it shits on that too.

1:40pm

Sian Butcher / BuzzFeed

At 1:40pm, this pigeon lost his foot, because pigeons lose their feet all the time and nobody knows where they go.

3:00pm

Sian Butcher / BuzzFeed

It's mid-afternoon and there are loads of pigeons flying about like fucking lunatics. Passing pigeons join the madness; they have no idea what they are doing, but it looks like a laugh.

5:07pm

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It's time to go home, and you head towards the Central line. Thank god there are no birds underground because you've quite frankly had enough of the little shits by this point. As the tube doors slide open, you are confronted with an army of smelly, hideous pigeons. You walk home.

6:07pm

Sian Butcher / BuzzFeed

Pigeons are cocky little arseholes, and you are reminded of this as you near your house and you see your cat and a one-legged pigeon sharing a puddle of bleak, polluted rainwater. But at a second glance, is that a one-legged pigeon riding your cat like a horse in the direction of your home? As they melt into the horizon, you are left with uneasy feeling only a bird-rat riding a cat can give you.

8:35pm

Sian Butcher / BuzzFeed

At 8:35pm, you finish your dinner. You haven't seen or heard a pigeon in 2 hours and 28 minutes. As you open the dishwasher, there it is. It is in the fucking dishwasher.

10:00pm

Sian Butcher / BuzzFeed

Pigeons are weirdly proportioned, mythical birds that have horrible feet. They can't always be seen or heard, but they are always close to you. Each time you are struck by the haunting realisation that you are being watched, it is probably by a pigeon.

So, as you lay in bed at night, you may feel tired, afraid, and lonely – but remember: You are never alone.