14 People Who Won Last Night's Federal Leaders Debate

There are no losers in stagecraft.

1. Stephen Harper

Frank Gunn / The Canadian Press

Conservatives universally agree that Stephen Harper won last night's debate. He perfectly channeled that goober-y neighbour you avoid having to have a beer with by allowing him to coach the neighbourhood soccer team.

2. Tom Mulcair

Mark Blinch / Reuters

New Democrats universally agree that Tom Mulcair won last night's debate. In his first federal debate, Mulcair quickly forgot the last-minute instructions from his smiling coach and settled into an accessible review of core NDP policies like government-mandated beard length, clarifying the technical definition of economic recessions, and avoiding coherent positions on energy projects.

3. Elizabeth May

Frank Gunn / The Canadian Press

Greens universally agree that Elizabeth May won last night's debate. May's excellent performance was bolstered by thoughtful, well-considered speculation about the potential sale of Canada to the People's Republic of China, though party faithful reportedly came away somewhat disappointed that no attention was paid to the looming threat of pervasive Wi-Fi pollution.

4. Justin Trudeau

Mark Blinch / Reuters

Liberals universally agree that Justin Trudeau won last night's debate. Policy wonks note that for the first time, Trudeau showed poise and maturity by sporting hair that was not long enough to be shaggy but not short enough to be stodgy. In particular, Trudeau turned heads when he was able to correctly identify the total number of existing Supreme Court judges.

5. Gilles Duceppe

Graham Hughes / The Canadian Press

Bloc Québécois supporters universally agree that Gilles Duceppe won last night's debate. Party operatives point out that he made no major gaffes and, despite not being physically present, somehow ensured that the majority of the debate about governance and accountability ended up being about Quebec sovereignty.

6. Paul Wells

Frank Gunn / The Canadian Press

Media Party supporters universally agree that Paul Wells won last night's debate. Wells was particularly aided by his draw of podium position, which, having been afforded the opportunity to be seated across the stage from the other candidates, imparted his insights with a feeling of gravitas and control over the proceedings.

7. Marco Rubio

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Oh, no, that was a different debate. Never mind.

8. Trivago Guy

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Casual political observers universally agree that Trivago Guy won last night's debate. During each commercial break, he provided clear, practical solutions to issues of fiscal responsibility, international trade, and candidate sensuality. Analysts were particularly impressed that he managed to work in so many costume changes.

9. Carly Fiorina

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…no seriously how many debates were there last night.

10. Netflix's CEO

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Internet recluses universally agree Netflix CEO Reed Hastings won last night's debate. By being used as frame upon which to create a false contrast between political parties that want to raise taxes and those that don't, Netflix joins things like basic groceries and prescription drugs that are deemed too essential for human survival to be taxed.

11. Ghostwriters

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No, not these Ghostwriters. Liberal Leader and debate winner Justin Trudeau handed over his Twitter account to staffers during the debate so he could be sure to have a platform to speak directly with Canadians (other than the actual literal platform he was standing on, of course). Even debate winner Paul Wells got in on the action, ghostwriting a tweet into the ACTUAL FUTURE.

12. Barack Obama

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American ex-pats universally agree that Barack Obama won last night's debate. President Obama was name-dropped more than Middle-Class Families™, which contributed to his strong showing. Progressive Canadians enjoyed being reminded that he vetoed the Keystone XL pipeline, while conservative Canadians were excited to be reminded that in the US the majority of them would likely be Democrats.

13. Hillary Clinton

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US Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton took a selfie with Kim Kardashian and Kanye West last night, so she likely won absolutely anything taking place anywhere.

14. Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing

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Grammar whizzes universally agree that Mavis Beacon won last night's debate. In their haste to release a timely, celebratory image macro identifying debate winner Stephen Harper, a staffer appears to have misspelled the word "minister." An unfortunate error, though nothing a few minutes with debate winner Mavis Beacon can't fix!