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22 Things Renaissance Faires Do Better Than The Real World

All these “modern technologies” and “progressive social norms” are great, but there are a few things the olde worlde had figured out better than us. Thankfully, Ren Faires are there to bring us back.

1. Food.

Nearly everything is eaten with your hands, from bacon on a stick to cheesecake on a stick to turkey legs on a stick (actually bones).

Bradley Gordon / Via bradmanda.com

Food is just better on sticks.

2. Booze.

Not only does wine made from honey exist, it’s called mead and you can get it at Renaissance Faires. It is criminal that it’s not more widely available.

Frank Kovalchek / Creative Commons

3. Bartenders.

When the bartender at your local watering hole hears you’re having your first drink, does he make an elaborate oral sex joke out of it and get everyone to yell “Huzzah!” for you when you’re done?

Or does he pour you half a shot of watered-down well vodka?

4. Hats.

Frank Kovalchek / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: 72213316@N00

While we’ve been pretending fedoras work on anyone other than the employees of Sterling Cooper Draper Price, Renaissance Faires have been rocking tri-corner pirate hats for years.

5. Coffee.

Where would you rather go: A Starbucks where snarky baristas will roll their eyes at you, or ye olde Cappuccino Inn?

6. Smoothies.

Smoothie King, same question.

7. Politics.

Joppo Kelin / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: simalem

When the Ren Faire’s Queen of England and King of Spain have a disagreement, they don’t send diplomatic envoys or hold boring debates. They get a bunch of serfs to dress up and chess-battle each other, hilariously.

8. Sports.

Watching two jousters ride full tilt at each other on horseback with spears beats the hell out of any Super Bowl in recent memory.

Seriously, can we make this a sport again? If “horse dancing” counts, then this is a shoe-in.

9. Family crests.

This brony crest kicks way more ass than whatever fleur-de-lis shield your family had five generations ago.

10. Personal heralds.

The Q / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: theqspeaks

Why did we stop having people announce when we arrived anywhere? Whose idea was that?

11. Children’s activities.

Archery > hopscotch.

13. Punishment.

Quinn Dombrowski / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: quinnanya

14. Music.

Rowan / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: rowan72

Go to one Pub Sing and you’ll get it.

15. Work.

David R Tribble / Creative Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

There are ACTUAL BLACKSMITHS.

16. Living rooms.

Joan / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: pipdiddly

This is straight-up lounging. The best you can do on a pull out couch is chilling.

17. Etsy.

Alexey Sergeev / Via asergeev.com

Tons of local craft-makers and artists set up permanent huts to sell their unique, one-of-a-kind wares in.

Alexey Sergeev / Via asergeev.com

It’s like an Etsy you can walk through.

18. Church.

Alexey Sergeev / Via asergeev.com

Whatever you worship, it’s better to do it here.

21. Boners.

(It’s a codpiece.)

22. Boobs.

Patty / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: psexypsychic

Hope you’re a fan, because there are corsets EVERYWHERE.

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