Growing Facial Hair Is Hard

Everybody’s beard-crazy these days, but some guys aren’t so lucky. Here’s an open letter from the poorly-bearded.

1. To the Nick Offermans,

Jason Merritt / Getty Images
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Zach Galifiniakises,

Mario Anzuoni / Reuters
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2. And Ryan Goslings of the world.

Ian Gavan / Getty Images
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3. And to the people that love them:

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4. We get it: Facial hair is SO IN right now.

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You can get away with just about anything these days, as long as it’s bushy and on your face.

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We all want to participate, but some of us just… can’t.

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5. Believe us, we try.

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Hard, and against all better judgement, we try.

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But no matter what we do, we eventually have to accept reality.

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6. We can’t will our mustache into being.

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It’s a distressing lot, that of the poorly-bearded male.

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But growing a beard is hard, and downright impossible for some of us.

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Sidney Crosby’s 8-week-old 2009 NHL playoff beard.

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And on top of bad genetics, we’ve got Beard Anxiety.

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From an early age, we’re presented with well-bearded role models.

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7. Men with legacies to aspire to and majestic facial hair to emulate.

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8. Truly great men.

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9. We spent our childhoods eagerly anticipating the day our faces would sprout lush, robust beards.

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We played dress up, hoping that we wouldn’t be one of the genetically unfortunate when the time came.

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10. One of our friends ALWAYS started growing a mustache unnaturally early.

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And a kick-ass goatee made ANYTHING work at prom.

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We wanted to sport a kick-ass goatee, or mustache, or ANYTHING, but couldn’t.

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11. When we hit our early 20s, we had waited long enough. Scruffy patchwork or not, we would HAVE. OUR. BEARDS.

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But as we got older, we realized that not all great men have to have epic beards.

Carolyn Kaster / AP

The President has even admitted that he can’t grow a decent beard or mustache.

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12. Even some actors known for their tasteful stubble often go clean-shaven.

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And we’ve seen some goatees go VERY wrong…

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…as well as a mustache that should never have happened.

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13. And while we may lack the… “ruggedness” of this man:

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14. Men like this have been lusted after for decades:

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15. And nothing beats this feeling:

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16. Or the daily bathroom ritual.

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17. So enjoy your moment in the sun while it lasts, bearded guys.

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18. Because when the sun sets on your hairy heyday…

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19. …we’ll still be here, and smooth as ever.

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