1. This is why you watch Coast.
Note: The programme announcer didn’t actually say that.
2. This is why BBC Two decides to broadcast Coast.
You feel BBC Two’s panic as they shove Coast into the DVD player.
3. This is also why BBC Two puts Coast on TV.
But this is all jokes. You love Coast really.
5. You then spend some time wondering whether these cliffs are actually real or not during the opening titles.
6. STUNNING EXCLUSIVE ANSWER: They aren’t real.
7. Hungover, you love watching it because of this.
“WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE WHERE ARE WE GOING?”
“The Isle of Man. Oh. Golly.”
8. And the other real reason why you’re watching Coast right now? You’re hoping this episode is near you.
If you haven’t been there, you don’t really care.
“ONE DAY it will be Aberystwyth’s time in the sun”, you hope. “ONE DAY they will be on a beach I recognise because I have been there twice.”
9. Don’t even mention the episodes where they go to another country coastline. You’re like….
JUST SHOW US BLACKPOOL ON A NICE SUMMER’S DAY GUYS.
10. Then one week they get SO CLOSE to Aberystwyth but they then they move past it.
You end up getting really quite upset about this.
You open and drink a bottle of wine you found by the radiator.
11. It could be worse. You could live inland. The people on the Coast get this lovely programme about them and everybody else gets absolutely nothing.
12. You’ve thought that they should make a Coast for all the places inland, but then you realise…
13. Shhhhhhhhhhh…. Neil Oliver is now talking.
14. The second best presenter on there? This man.
And trust me, this show has approximately 4458645 presenters sometimes.
15. But you can’t wait to see this guy.
16. You’re impressed when you see these special effects.
But you know what impresses you more?
18. A LIGHTHOUSE TO CLEAR YOUR LIGHT HEAD.
“My head is starting to clear up. I’m starting to feel a hell of a lot better.”
19. ZOOM IN. SLIGHT ZOOM OUT.
20. PANNING. PANNING WILL MAKE IT ALL OK.
“My headache is starting to ease already.”
21. But then all of a sudden this happens.
“WTF. What has happened? Where has the sound of waves gone?”
“Really? That was just a ten minute episode?”
- Dylann Roof pleaded not guilty to federal hate crime charges in the Charleston church massacre.