“HI I’M GUY FIERI. I AM SHOUTING FROM A CAR ABOUT A NICE RESTAURANT.”
Guy drives whilst wearing sunglasses. He informs you that he is “rolling out” to find America’s best Diners, Drive-ins and Dives. He introduces the restaurants that will be featured in this episode.
You see tightly edited clips of people shoving different foods into their mouths, alongside footage of food being cooked on a griddle surrounded by mountains of flames.
You question why the editing is so fast in the show. It feels as if you have just accidentally pressed the fast-forward button on the remote control with your arse.
Guy Fieri introduces all of the restaurants in today’s show so fast you can’t tell which restaurant is which. All of the restaurants merge into one super restaurant in your mind.
“THAT’S ALL HERE, RIGHT HERE ON DINERS, DRIVE-INS AND DIVES”.
Somebody next to you starts to ask why the show is called Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives, because for quite a lot of people in other countries a “dive” is a run-down place with such low hygiene standards that if you ate food there you might actually die.
The opening titles. The end of the theme song sounds like a piano being hit by a car.
Guy recommends why this “joint” is the best in a town somewhere is a personal favourite of his whilst he is getting out of a car in a car park. The street behind Guy talking right now looks barren and empty :(
You are now inside the restaurant and you start hearing recommendations about the restaurant from customers. They are all like this:
“This is the best goddamn food I have ever tried.”
“I don’t think I have ever tasted a nicer deep-fried seafood platter.”
“The menu was really well-laminated.”
“I would give birth in here if I could.”
For some reason some of the recommendations from every customer are edited so fast that they each last approximately one second. Sometimes you only hear two words from them, so they really say nothing substantial. Recommendations are like this:
“This is the be—”
Guy and a chef are in the kitchen. The chef will cook one of the most popular recipes from the menu, but instead of making a portion that you can lovingly cook in your own home, the chef will show you how to make 180 portions at once.
You see the biggest piece of meat you’ve ever seen in your life dropped into a pan 10 times larger than any pan you will ever own. The pan looks like a giant suitcase.
Other ingredients are added to the suitcase. You don’t hear exactly how many ingredients you need to add to this recipe. You only hear the words “chicken, mushrooms, tomatoes, sauce…” as every colour you will ever see fills your television screen.
You notice that Guy’s sunglasses have moved to the back of his head.
Somebody in the room asks you about why Guy’s hair is so blond.
Guy is trying to engage the chef in conversation. You cannot understand the banter between Guy and the chef because your eyes are overwhelmed by the amount of food, by the fact that Guy’s glasses are on the back of his head, and by Guy’s blond hair.
The chef says, “Now you add black pepper.”
All the black pepper you will ever eat in your life gets dropped into the suitcase.
“Now you add salt.”
At home, you shout, “IF YOU ATE ALL OF THAT SALT IN ONE GO YOU WOULD DIE.”
The chef then starts making the sauce. To do this, it seems that all you need to do is put your arm right into your kitchen cupboard and swipe across until everything falls out and lands into the bowl. Why? Because the sauce they are making looks as if they have just done that.
Seriously. Just look at all of the sauce in that bowl right now.
The chef says to mix the sauce together. Guy then immediately has a spoonful of the sauce and you question how he eats a spoonful of sauce without dying.
You then wonder whether you should actually cook this meal, but then you learn that, as the meat requires 18 hours to cook and a kiln, you decide that you can’t be arsed.
The chicken comes out of the kiln. You find out from Guy that the meat is really tender because the meat comes off the bone so easily.
A plate of food is served for Guy. It looks as if all of the other 179 portions of food the chef made have been abandoned.
You know that imminently this portion will head for Guy’s mouth.
The camera zooms into Guy’s mouth as the food is shoved in.
You then start to hear compliments coming from Guy about the food because there is absolutely no time for him to swallow because of the fast editing in this show.
“Killer. MmmmmMMMMFF. Great spices. MMMM. This is so good. The texture is solid. MmmmmmFFFFFF. A little bit of garlic. SDFLJKBDIDIFLDOJinnamon.”
A scene of a waiter or waitress shouting out the order whilst passing it on to a table.
You will then hear another 384 recommendations from the customers inside.
“The lights are very bright.”
“So much love.”
It’s now time for the second restaurant. Absolutely everything that you have just read in this article happens all over again at least 10 more times.
Guy starts calling the show “Triple D”, probably because they are running out of time.
The show then ends with Guy shouting whilst driving a car again. His sunglasses have now moved from the back of his head to the front of his face. He speeds out of shot.
The episode ends. You will watch another 374 episodes of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives because every single episode is exactly the same.