52 Things You Absolutely Should Not Say Just Before Or During Sex

“ONLY look at me in the eyes.”

1. “Intercourse.”
2. “I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO INTERCOURSE WITH YOU FOR A WHILE.”
3. “I’ve made a Spotify playlist for this.”
4. “Let’s start taking off each other’s clothes. Oh……………………….”
5. “Never mind. It is nothing to worry about.”
6. “Don’t worry about that rash, the doctor prescribed a cream for that.”

Arrested Development / FOX

Arrested Development / FOX

 

7. “I can’t believe that we have eight mutual Facebook friends on Tinder.”
8. “Shall we have a look for inspiration on the internet?”
9. “How do you cope with such poor 3G signal?”
10. “Oh hang on I’ve just got an email from Linda it will only take a sec.”
11. (Pause whilst you hear iPhone clicking) “Oh that Linda.”
12. “Where were we? Oh yes, looking on the web for sexual intercourse ideas.”
13. “I’ve heard of this site with positions we should try.”
14. “See? She’s faking it.”
15. “You look so hot right now. Is it a bit hot in here isn’t it? Let me open a door.”
16. “Yeah my pets come in and out of this room all the time. Don’t worry about it.”
17. “Where did you get those lovely pillows from? Argos?”

Jonathan Brady/PA Wire/Press Association Images

 

18. “Do you also think that humans look rather weird when they’re naked?”
19. “The safe word is ‘Michael Cera’.”
20. “I AM ABOUT TO INITIATE INTERCOURSE.”
21. “Here goes nothing.”
22. “Where does this bit go exactly?”
23. “WOO WOO.”
24. “LinkedIn.”
24. “Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.”
25. “POW POW POW. POW POW POW POW.”
26. “Clump.”
27. “Do you believe in God?”
28. “ONLY look at me in the eyes.”
29. “You may find yourself behind the wheels of a large automobile.”
30. “And you may tell yourself, this is not my beautiful house.”
31. “Let’s see if we can be louder than the washing machine on its final spin.”
32. “The washing machine is beating us at this moment.”
33. “Do you use a colour catcher or do you wash your clothes separately?”
34.Doctor Who was better when it was filmed in a quarry in Cornwall.”
35. “Increasing house prices mean that we will be renting forever.”
36.“Tell me about your pets.”

Larry Busacca / Getty Images

The Simpsons / FOX

 

37. “Can you believe that Friends finished 10 years ago?”
38. “By the way you should know that this isn’t my house.”
39. “Your voice isn’t as sexy as Ira Glass from This American Life.”
40. “Did you also cry at that point 10 minutes into Up?”
41. “Do you think that print media has a sustainable financial future?”
42. “Who are you again?”
43. “This is a Jackson Heights-Roosevelt Avenue-bound F local train.”
44. “With songs they have sung, for a thousand yeeeeeaaaaarrrssss.”
45. (Frank Underwood House of Cards stare) “Let the butchery begin.”
46. “Just so you know, our sexual intercourse is about to reach a climax.”

Brad Barket / Stringer

 

47. “Spoiler alert.”
48. “HASHTAG CLIMAXING.”
49. “Ctrl+Alt+Del.”
50. “¯\_(ツ)_/¯”
51. “I need a cold shower after that.”
52. “Same time next week?”

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