You are Toxic Twin-era Steven Tyler

Good job! This is by far the best Steven Tyler to be: You are capable of ingesting more drugs than the entire populations of several island nations; you appear in Beatles films and hang out with your best buddy Joe Perry all the time and do crazy shit; you’re still writing music that people take seriously; you create Liv Tyler. You are the spirit that still animates the ancient, fragile version of Steven Tyler we see today. You are young, you don’t know better, and even if you did you don’t care.

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You are Walk This Way (feat. Run DMC) Steven Tyler

You’re fun! People might look back at this song/video as some act of selling out, but that’s revisionist history! And whatever, those people still hum along when it comes on the jukebox. Plus you’ve got Permanent Vacation and Pump and then Get A Grip — you are a superstar, at the peak of world fame and cultural influence, and you have attained the American form of Nirvana: You have become a household name. Enjoy it, you deserve it.

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You are Gap Ad Steven Tyler

So blah blah blah your better days are behind you, creatively and drug-intake-wise. You’re a more mellowed-out incarnation of your former self in late-middle-age, though you haven’t lost the bandanas or pained crooning or the karate kicks. You’re in the graceful afterglow of cultural relevance, but you’re not making a fool of yourself or anything, like, say, Carrot Top. But also now is the time to do whatever cashing in you haven’t done yet.

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You are Dude Looks Like An Old Lady Steven Tyler

Your friends are worried about you. It’s maybe time to hang up the bandana and put away the mic stand and spend some time on Hollywood Squares or go on Dancing With The Stars or something. You need to take up hobbies or spend more time with the family, but please please stay away from the edge of the stage.

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