Presidents Ranked In Order Of How Much I Think They Would Like Justin Bieber
George H.W. Bush’s recent comments (questions?) about Justin Bieber ( “I don’t know much about the Bieber. Never see him, I don’t know what he does.” ) made me realize that every President of the United States should have their Bieber feelings on record.
1. Grover Cleveland.
He married a woman about half his age, so I think he’d be open to the music of a younger generation.
2. Lyndon B. Johnson
I can imagine him asking Bieber to speak to the youth and get them to stop making his war in Vietnam look bad, and I could imagine him really being into the version of “That Should Be Me” with Rascal Flatts. Johnson had a strong opinion on most everything, and Bieber is no exception.
3. Calvin Coolidge
The man, famously, rarely spoke, which probably means he had a lot of secrets, and one of those secrets: he totally would have loved Justin Bieber.
4. Abraham Lincoln
Because he’s not a vampire hunter, he’s just a Belieber trying to keep the Union together.
5. Franklin Pierce
It goes without saying that “Handsome” Frank is the only president on this list whose hair rivals Bieber’s. They’d have a lot to talk about. Also, if Pierce could form a lifelong friendship with Jefferson Davis, he’d be forgiving of The Bieb’s more forgettable work. (Even “One Time” isn’t as bad as being President of the Confederacy, right?)
6. Gerald Ford
Along the same lines…if you can pardon Nixon, you can learn to love The Bieb.
7. John F. Kennedy
Because he’s the only president who could get away with saying “swaggie.”
8. Bill Clinton
They’ve both got musical skills, of course; imagine if we took out Ludacris’ rap in “Baby” and replaced it with a saxophone solo. Clinton would rack up tons of street cred and unprecedented access to tons of bored and hot moms.
9. Ulysses S. Grant
I don’t care what anybody says: Ulysses S. Grant and me would have fallen in love, and he would have liked Justin Bieber just because I like Justin Bieber. And those are the facts based on my historical knowledge.
10. Chester A. Arthur
The first President fact I ever loved was that Chester A. Arthur changed his pants more times a day than is socially acceptable. The thrill of a wardrobe change is something that could inspire hours of conversation. Also: Arthur might have possibly been born in Canada…
11. Barack Obama
If you’re the father of two young daughters, you will eventually catch the Fever. (Treatment for Bieber Fever is actually required by the Affordable Care Act, right before the thing about Death Panels.)
12. Andrew Jackson
Jackson was a wild card. So, yeah, he’d jam to some Bieber. He’d turn up “One Less Lonely Girl” real loud in order to drown out the cries of the Cherokee Nation.
13. Thomas Jefferson
Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence, Justin Bieber wrote “U Smile.” They could be best friends based on writing skills alone. But Jefferson also had a thing for black girls, and that gives him a certain amount of credit in the very same hiphop community Bieber is trying (way too) hard to become a part of.
14. James Madison
At (allegedly) 5-foot-7, Bieber is only three inches taller than Madison, but either way, they’re both weirdly short and all short people are friends, right? Or, all short people have the same complexes, right?
15. William McKinley
McKinley was a romantic at heart—the first words he said after being shot were about his wife. I’d like to think that if Bieber was ever shot (GOD FORBID), he’d say something super sweet about Selena.
16. Woodrow Wilson
Our 28th president would have gone to any lengths to get the US to join the League of Nations. I know that Bieber’s not an American, but I’m sure he’d do pro-League of Nations commercials if the price was right.
17. James Garfield
It took eighty days for Garfield to die after being shot. In that time, he’d crawl slowly toward the light while listening to Bieber’s “Pray,” and be grateful that the sweet angel with the bangs was there to guide him to heaven. I’m guessing.
18. Herbert Hoover
Hoover was an inherently good person—to blame the entire Great Depression on him would not be fair. The man held that guilt with him for the rest of his life, and sometimes, out of desperation and sadness, we often do crazy things. Things like sneak out to go fishing and singing “Baby” to ourselves while quietly weeping.
19. John Tyler
He had 15 kids, more than any other president, and called them his “principal treasure.” So, he’d have all of Justin’s songs on his iPhone, but, 95% of the time, he’d only listen to them when his kids were in the SUV.
20. Franklin D Roosevelt
FDR is my favorite president, so it hurts to think he wouldn’t like the Bieb very much (jealous of his dancing skills, perhaps?).
21. Millard Fillmore
Fillmore signed into law the Compromise of 1850, and if he wasn’t willing to make up his mind about slavery in new states, then God knows he wouldn’t have been able to make up his mind about Justin Bieber.
22. John Quincy Adams
The only reason Quincy Adams would like Bieber would be to spite his father, and the only reason he’d not like Bieber would be to spite Andrew Jackson. So, I just put him in the middle.
23. William Howard Taft
Taft was chillin’ so hard I’m pretty sure he didn’t really give a f*ck about anything.
24. Harry S. Truman
Truman is one of those under-the-radar badass Presidents. He’s evidence that you don’t judge a book by its cover. Yeah, those glasses are nerdy, but he also once told a crowd that anybody who voted for Nixon could “go to hell.” So, does he like the Bieb or not? It could genuinely go either way.
25. Warren G. Harding
Honestly, from eyebrows to politics, Justin Bieber is too good for Warren G. Harding.
26. George W. Bush
He’d like The Bieber more than his father, but Bush is a man’s man—he used to own a baseball team. He and Justin could talk sports, but that’s about it.
27. Dwight D. Eisenhower
Despite his parents being pacifists and his low rank at West Point, Eisenhower was an accomplished soldier. Its evidence that hard work can trump talent—something we all know Bieber can appreciate. However, I’m not sure Eisenhower would have appreciated that Bieber used his hard work to become a pop star instead of something useful like a solider.
28. Richard Nixon
Is there anybody less cool with the kids than Richard Nixon? I mean, really. Justin Bieber would not be down with the misuse of Presidential Powers.
29. Benjamin Harrison
The man was unbelievably cold-hearted. Not even “Mistletoe” could make him smile.
30. Rutherford B. Hayes
Hayes was an enemy of the African American community; he ended Reconstruction just so he could be President. Bieber, on the other hand, has been a BET Award nominee.
31. Jimmy Carter
I think the Bieb is a little bit too racy for Carter. (Although…they both look good in cardigans.)
32. George H. W. Bush
We know he isn’t a fan, but at least they have a love for brightly-colored socks in common.
33. James Monroe
Monroe was famously old-school, and I can’t imagine him loving Bieber—but only because he’d never betray Boys II Men by liking anybody else more.
34. Andrew Johnson
How are you supposed to follow Lincoln? Andrew Johnson would be way more into One Direction, obviously.
35. Martin Van Buren
Who is Martin Van Buren? I’m kidding. But Van Buren would laugh in Bieber’s face if he saw the Canadian’s weak attempts at facial hair.
36. William Henry Harrison
Died too soon after election to truly understand Bieber, but would have warmed up to him at some point. (It’s funny because he died from pnemonia after spending too long in freezing-cold weather.)
37. Zachary Taylor
Died too soon to truly understand Bieber, but I can’t be sure he would have warmed up to him.
38. George Washington
If any president could avoid Bieber Fever, it would be Washington—after all, his defensive strategy was a big factor in the US winning the Revolutionary War.
39. James K. Polk
The man declared war on Mexico, and we all know Bieber has a soft spot (and a hard…spot) for girls of Mexican descent. Polk and Selena wouldn’t get along, and that’s a deal breaker.
40. Ronald Reagan
Towards the end of his life, I think Reagan would warm up to the Bieb. But I think he’d look down on Bieber’s lack of acting talent and be suspicious of any of his Communist tendencies (his use of Twitter, the political ideas behind songs like “One Less Lonely Girl,” and “U Smile.”).
41. Theodore Roosevelt
Because Bieber’s a little bit too soft for him.
42. John Adams
Because I’m pretty sure he didn’t like anything. Pop music is below him, just like the Vice Presidency was.
43. James Buchanan
Buchanan was the only bachelor president—his true love died from “female hysteria” in 1819. Because Bieber is the number one cause of female hysteria, I can’t imagine Buchanan would like him (even though they have the same initials).
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