Presidents Ranked In Order Of How Much I Think They Would Like Justin Bieber

George H.W. Bush’s recent comments (questions?) about Justin Bieber ( “I don’t know much about the Bieber. Never see him, I don’t know what he does.” ) made me realize that every President of the United States should have their Bieber feelings on record.

1. Grover Cleveland.

He married a woman about half his age, so I think he’d be open to the music of a younger generation.

ID: 408253

2. Lyndon B. Johnson

I can imagine him asking Bieber to speak to the youth and get them to stop making his war in Vietnam look bad, and I could imagine him really being into the version of “That Should Be Me” with Rascal Flatts. Johnson had a strong opinion on most everything, and Bieber is no exception.

ID: 408262

3. Calvin Coolidge

The man, famously, rarely spoke, which probably means he had a lot of secrets, and one of those secrets: he totally would have loved Justin Bieber.

ID: 408269

4. Abraham Lincoln

Because he’s not a vampire hunter, he’s just a Belieber trying to keep the Union together.

ID: 408276

5. Franklin Pierce

It goes without saying that “Handsome” Frank is the only president on this list whose hair rivals Bieber’s. They’d have a lot to talk about. Also, if Pierce could form a lifelong friendship with Jefferson Davis, he’d be forgiving of The Bieb’s more forgettable work. (Even “One Time” isn’t as bad as being President of the Confederacy, right?)

ID: 408278

6. Gerald Ford

Along the same lines…if you can pardon Nixon, you can learn to love The Bieb.

ID: 408280

7. John F. Kennedy

Because he’s the only president who could get away with saying “swaggie.”

ID: 408281

8. Bill Clinton

They’ve both got musical skills, of course; imagine if we took out Ludacris’ rap in “Baby” and replaced it with a saxophone solo. Clinton would rack up tons of street cred and unprecedented access to tons of bored and hot moms.

ID: 408282

9. Ulysses S. Grant

I don’t care what anybody says: Ulysses S. Grant and me would have fallen in love, and he would have liked Justin Bieber just because I like Justin Bieber. And those are the facts based on my historical knowledge.

ID: 408284

10. Chester A. Arthur

The first President fact I ever loved was that Chester A. Arthur changed his pants more times a day than is socially acceptable. The thrill of a wardrobe change is something that could inspire hours of conversation. Also: Arthur might have possibly been born in Canada…

ID: 408287

11. Barack Obama

If you’re the father of two young daughters, you will eventually catch the Fever. (Treatment for Bieber Fever is actually required by the Affordable Care Act, right before the thing about Death Panels.)

ID: 408292

12. Andrew Jackson

Jackson was a wild card. So, yeah, he’d jam to some Bieber. He’d turn up “One Less Lonely Girl” real loud in order to drown out the cries of the Cherokee Nation.

ID: 408293

13. Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence, Justin Bieber wrote “U Smile.” They could be best friends based on writing skills alone. But Jefferson also had a thing for black girls, and that gives him a certain amount of credit in the very same hiphop community Bieber is trying (way too) hard to become a part of.

ID: 408296

14. James Madison

At (allegedly) 5-foot-7, Bieber is only three inches taller than Madison, but either way, they’re both weirdly short and all short people are friends, right? Or, all short people have the same complexes, right?

ID: 408297

15. William McKinley

McKinley was a romantic at heart—the first words he said after being shot were about his wife. I’d like to think that if Bieber was ever shot (GOD FORBID), he’d say something super sweet about Selena.

ID: 408299

16. Woodrow Wilson

Our 28th president would have gone to any lengths to get the US to join the League of Nations. I know that Bieber’s not an American, but I’m sure he’d do pro-League of Nations commercials if the price was right.

ID: 408301

17. James Garfield

It took eighty days for Garfield to die after being shot. In that time, he’d crawl slowly toward the light while listening to Bieber’s “Pray,” and be grateful that the sweet angel with the bangs was there to guide him to heaven. I’m guessing.

ID: 408302

18. Herbert Hoover

Hoover was an inherently good person—to blame the entire Great Depression on him would not be fair. The man held that guilt with him for the rest of his life, and sometimes, out of desperation and sadness, we often do crazy things. Things like sneak out to go fishing and singing “Baby” to ourselves while quietly weeping.

ID: 408305

19. John Tyler

He had 15 kids, more than any other president, and called them his “principal treasure.” So, he’d have all of Justin’s songs on his iPhone, but, 95% of the time, he’d only listen to them when his kids were in the SUV.

ID: 408307

20. Franklin D Roosevelt

FDR is my favorite president, so it hurts to think he wouldn’t like the Bieb very much (jealous of his dancing skills, perhaps?).

ID: 408308

21. Millard Fillmore

Fillmore signed into law the Compromise of 1850, and if he wasn’t willing to make up his mind about slavery in new states, then God knows he wouldn’t have been able to make up his mind about Justin Bieber.

ID: 408311

22. John Quincy Adams

The only reason Quincy Adams would like Bieber would be to spite his father, and the only reason he’d not like Bieber would be to spite Andrew Jackson. So, I just put him in the middle.

ID: 408312

23. William Howard Taft

Taft was chillin’ so hard I’m pretty sure he didn’t really give a f*ck about anything.

ID: 408313

24. Harry S. Truman

Truman is one of those under-the-radar badass Presidents. He’s evidence that you don’t judge a book by its cover. Yeah, those glasses are nerdy, but he also once told a crowd that anybody who voted for Nixon could “go to hell.” So, does he like the Bieb or not? It could genuinely go either way.

ID: 408431

25. Warren G. Harding

Honestly, from eyebrows to politics, Justin Bieber is too good for Warren G. Harding.

ID: 408314

26. George W. Bush

He’d like The Bieber more than his father, but Bush is a man’s man—he used to own a baseball team. He and Justin could talk sports, but that’s about it.

ID: 408315

27. Dwight D. Eisenhower

Despite his parents being pacifists and his low rank at West Point, Eisenhower was an accomplished soldier. Its evidence that hard work can trump talent—something we all know Bieber can appreciate. However, I’m not sure Eisenhower would have appreciated that Bieber used his hard work to become a pop star instead of something useful like a solider.

ID: 408316

28. Richard Nixon

Is there anybody less cool with the kids than Richard Nixon? I mean, really. Justin Bieber would not be down with the misuse of Presidential Powers.

ID: 408317

29. Benjamin Harrison

The man was unbelievably cold-hearted. Not even “Mistletoe” could make him smile.

ID: 408318

30. Rutherford B. Hayes

Hayes was an enemy of the African American community; he ended Reconstruction just so he could be President. Bieber, on the other hand, has been a BET Award nominee.

ID: 408319

31. Jimmy Carter

I think the Bieb is a little bit too racy for Carter. (Although…they both look good in cardigans.)

ID: 408320

32. George H. W. Bush

We know he isn’t a fan, but at least they have a love for brightly-colored socks in common.

ID: 408321

33. James Monroe

Monroe was famously old-school, and I can’t imagine him loving Bieber—but only because he’d never betray Boys II Men by liking anybody else more.

ID: 408322

34. Andrew Johnson

How are you supposed to follow Lincoln? Andrew Johnson would be way more into One Direction, obviously.

ID: 408324

35. Martin Van Buren

Who is Martin Van Buren? I’m kidding. But Van Buren would laugh in Bieber’s face if he saw the Canadian’s weak attempts at facial hair.

ID: 408325

36. William Henry Harrison

Died too soon after election to truly understand Bieber, but would have warmed up to him at some point. (It’s funny because he died from pnemonia after spending too long in freezing-cold weather.)

ID: 408327

37. Zachary Taylor

Died too soon to truly understand Bieber, but I can’t be sure he would have warmed up to him.

ID: 408328

38. George Washington

If any president could avoid Bieber Fever, it would be Washington—after all, his defensive strategy was a big factor in the US winning the Revolutionary War.

ID: 408331

39. James K. Polk

The man declared war on Mexico, and we all know Bieber has a soft spot (and a hard…spot) for girls of Mexican descent. Polk and Selena wouldn’t get along, and that’s a deal breaker.

ID: 408332

40. Ronald Reagan

Towards the end of his life, I think Reagan would warm up to the Bieb. But I think he’d look down on Bieber’s lack of acting talent and be suspicious of any of his Communist tendencies (his use of Twitter, the political ideas behind songs like “One Less Lonely Girl,” and “U Smile.”).

ID: 408334

41. Theodore Roosevelt

Because Bieber’s a little bit too soft for him.

ID: 408335

42. John Adams

Because I’m pretty sure he didn’t like anything. Pop music is below him, just like the Vice Presidency was.

ID: 408338

43. James Buchanan

Buchanan was the only bachelor president—his true love died from “female hysteria” in 1819. Because Bieber is the number one cause of female hysteria, I can’t imagine Buchanan would like him (even though they have the same initials).

ID: 408340

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