1. Candy Crush
When I first started playing Farmville back in 2009 I set an alarm from 3:30am to harvest my soybeans and plant new poinsettias. That is a level of psychopath that no one person should ever admit to, let alone put to print via blog land to live on forever and ever. I have an addictive personality so I vowed to never play these nonsense addict games ever again.
So, when I see you crushers tweeting about your candy crush level jumping issues and being stuck in level 29 with a layover in level 33 jumping to 47 with credits and life help from friends. I'm sitting over here all....
2. The Bachelor and The Bachelorette
Is this show on every single night of the week?
Monday
Me: "Hey Mom, watcha doin?"
Mom: "Watchin the bachelorette."
Tuesday
Me: "Hey Mom, watcha doin?"
Mom: "Watchin the bachelorette."
Wednesday
Me: "Hey Mom, watcha doin?"
Mom: "Watchin the bachelor."
Thursday
Me: "Hey Mom, watcha doin?"
Mom: "Watchin the bachelorette."
Friday
Me: "Hey Mom, watcha doin?"
Mom: "Watchin the bachelor."
Saturday
Me: "Hey Mom, watcha doin?"
Mom: "Watchin the bachelorette."
Sunday
Me: "Hey Mom, watcha doin?"
Mom: "Watchin the bachelor."
So you are saying he/she dates 47 people and that is not cheating? And then gets a proposal after being cheated on with 46 other people for the past 8 weeks? Then accepts said proposal, then can't see that person for another 8 weeks? And we are surprised when they don't make it as a couple?
3. These Wine2Go things.
What about red solo cups? Remember... they are the best receptacle for barbecues, tailgates, fairs and festivals. Last time I checked, driving and drinking wine at the same time was frowned upon. So where are you going with this thing?
It is not often I join an impromptu game of double dutch with the little girls across the street while simultaneously drinking wine.... but next time I do, I'll be sure to get a Wino2Go thing-a-mah-jig for the occasion.
Someone. Help me out here, I just don't get it?
4. SnapChat
me: "Why can't I just text it?"
snap chat lover: "Well, you can send anything you want and it'll be gone in seconds"
me: "Why would I want someone to see an ugly picture of me?"
snap chat lover: "Because it is funny"
me: "Why would I take a picture I wouldn't want to keep?"
snap chat lover: "Well you just send funny faces and stuff that is meaningless"
me: "What if I want to keep the picture I take"
snap chat lover: "Just get the app and add me, you'll love it."
5. No iphone?
me: "Wait, you mean you don't have an iphone 5? Well that is ok I just upgraded only recently."
them: "No, like, I don't have an iphone, like, at all."
me:"Oh, because you dropped it and are just using a replacement for now?"
them: "No, like, I don't have an iphone, like, at all."
me: "You mean, like, no iphone on your person, at the moment? But it is at home?"
them: "No, like, I don't have an iphone, like, at all."
6. No Twitter Account
But, like, where do you get your news from?
And, how am I supposed to reach you?
7. You don't watch Bravo
Like, you don't watch Bravo when they play Boyz in the Hood on Sunday afternoon?
Like, you watch all of Bravo, but you don't watch Top Chef?
You have never seen an episode of any of the Real Housewives?
You mean you just haven't seen New Jersey Housewives?
Like, none of it?
8. You don't like to shop
You mean, you just don't like to shop, for men's clothes?
You mean, you just don't like to shop for telescopes on Tuesday afternoons?
You mean, you just don't like to shop in the nude?
9. Calling Sarah Jessica Parker Ugly
Why do all guys think she is so ugly? Why do all guys say she has a horse face? Are we looking at the same girl? Killer body, killer hair, gorgeous eyes, insane fashion sense? That Sarah Jessica Parker is ugly? THE Carrie Bradshaw, you think THE Carrie Bradshaw is ugly? Kill me now.
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