Many describe cat cafés as "amazing," but those people are also filthy LIARS. Cat cafés are actually horrible and I will not apologize. With their very existence, cats are trying to kill me by closing up my throat and turning my eyes red.
I am allergic to cats because they are the worst. The only reason they are still exist as a house pet is because they are "low maintenance" and "self-sufficient," much like their close cousins, the rat and the cockroach.
So WTF am I doing here? A place where you pay to keep the company of an animal that hates you?
We made our way Meow Parlour in Chinatown.
Before we went inside, the cat café tried to win my affection by offering me cat-shaped chocolate treats, but I saw it for what it was: dog poison. No thank you.
Finally it was time for our reservation. I took some expired Benadryl and prepared to enter what I assumed would be cat hell.
The awake cats hung out toward the front, looking out the window, longing for freedom.
You could adopt them if you have a strong death instinct.
Most of the cats in the back were playing a game of "hide and sleep." WOW SO FUN CATS WAY TO BE SO FUN!
Asleep? Ignoring all of the customers who waited months for this? Or just BIDING THEIR TIME SO THEY CAN RUB THEIR HAIR ON MY MOUTH???
"What? A human? Oh, nah, not worth it."
"When I open my eyes, you better have gotten that camera out of my face."
"You bitch."
"Nobody look at me."
"Get your fucking hand off of me."
"Get. Away. From. Me."
"I'm going to kill you."
Oh look, what a surprise, it's a SLEEPING CAT.
I played with this cat even though I COULD HAVE DIED AT ANY MINUTE. Not that he cared.
Eventually he did play. And by play, I mean the cat got annoyed that I kept bothering him, so he sat on the toy so I would stop.
This random guy at the cat café said it best: "If this was a pup café, they would come up to you and play!" As opposed to stare at you and try to steal your soul!
With 10 minutes left, I gave up. Everyone there, cats and boyfriend included, sucked. I laid my head down on the table to get some sleep.
I started to doze off when it hit me: What if I don't like cats because I am a cat?
I don't like being around people. I don't like cats. I don't want random people to touch me. I don't like being told what to do. I love sleeping. My god. It was so simple, so obvious.
I am a cat and I don't care if you hate me. Because I fucking hate you too.
