1. Congrats, your baby is here!
You feel like you’ve completed a decathlon with zero training, and now, when you’re thoroughly exhausted, you can only sleep in short, sharp bursts. This will continue for the next year.
2. Physically, you’re healing well.
Until it comes to sitting down. That you can only do in slow motion.
3. The mortification of buying stool softeners versus the terror of going without: The choice is yours.
4. You’re nowhere close to fitting into your regular jeans, and all your maternity clothes are designed to emphasise your now empty, saggy belly.
5. Your appetite has increased so much that you eat a quick dinner while cooking your real one.
And then round it off with two desserts.
6. The stretchmarks keep coming as your tummy starts to shrink.
Unfortunately, you no longer have an hour every morning to luxuriously rub oil into them.
7. You spend eight hours at a time alone with a newborn, slowly going out of your mind, but you’re physically unable to leave for more than 10 minutes without panicking.
Why, hormones, why?
8. Despite dressing your little bundle head-to-toe in pink, at least three people a day will tell you, “He’s so handsome.”
9. Your midwife thinks it’s appropriate to start talking about contraception.
As if you didn’t recently push 8lbs of contraception out of your vagina.
10. Friends and family keep calling round to tell you to sleep when the baby does, while subtly enquiring about tea and biscuits at the same time.
11. Between 6pm and 10pm your baby becomes a wailing, screaming monster, and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.
12. You’ve been gasping for a mojito for the past nine months and now you’re breastfeeding.
Oh great, more enforced sobriety.
13. You feel like you’ve overdosed on invisibility pills.
When you carry the baby into a room, it may as well have levitated for all the attention you get.
14. After an hour of pacing and rocking, your newborn is finally sleeping peacefully.
Shame you’re afraid to shut your eyes in case it stops breathing.
15. No one offers you a seat on the train any more.
And you’ve had to give up your “Baby on Board” badge.
16. You keep bursting into tears at the most inopportune moments.
Like when someone asks, “Would you like fries with that?”
17. Your feet refuse to get in line and go back to their pre-baby size.
Ditto your ribcage.
18. You cannot deal with another celebrity post-baby body reveal.
No. No. No.
19. You’re suddenly acutely aware of all the danger everywhere.
Is there a way to access the sex offenders’ register online? Do these windows have locks? WHERE IS THE BABY?
20. The house is full of presents in pastel wrapping paper, but none of them are for you.
How is that fair?
21. You can finally satisfy those cravings for blue cheese, sushi, and deli meats, but now you can’t be bothered.
22. The second you try to leave the house, there’s baby puke everywhere.
It’s as if they know.
23. You have no idea what’s happening on your street, let alone in the wider world.
The only news you’re aware of is going on within the four walls of your house.
24. People you’ve never met insist on telling you how to parent your child.
Please, go on.
25. Your precious newborn makes the most disgusting sounds and smells.
Always in public.
26. You have to listen to your childfree friends talk about all the fun they had at the weekend.
Eating your feelings helps.
27. At last, that blissful moment when the baby curls up and falls asleep on your chest.
And you realise the remote is just out of arm’s reach.