27 Struggles Only New Mums Will Understand

Enjoy every second! Or not.

1. Congrats, your baby is here!

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You feel like you’ve completed a decathlon with zero training, and now, when you’re thoroughly exhausted, you can only sleep in short, sharp bursts. This will continue for the next year.

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2. Physically, you’re healing well.

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Until it comes to sitting down. That you can only do in slow motion.

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3. The mortification of buying stool softeners versus the terror of going without: The choice is yours.

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4. You’re nowhere close to fitting into your regular jeans, and all your maternity clothes are designed to emphasise your now empty, saggy belly.

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5. Your appetite has increased so much that you eat a quick dinner while cooking your real one.

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And then round it off with two desserts.

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6. The stretchmarks keep coming as your tummy starts to shrink.

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Unfortunately, you no longer have an hour every morning to luxuriously rub oil into them.

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7. You spend eight hours at a time alone with a newborn, slowly going out of your mind, but you’re physically unable to leave for more than 10 minutes without panicking.

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Why, hormones, why?

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8. Despite dressing your little bundle head-to-toe in pink, at least three people a day will tell you, “He’s so handsome.”

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9. Your midwife thinks it’s appropriate to start talking about contraception.

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As if you didn’t recently push 8lbs of contraception out of your vagina.

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10. Friends and family keep calling round to tell you to sleep when the baby does, while subtly enquiring about tea and biscuits at the same time.

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11. Between 6pm and 10pm your baby becomes a wailing, screaming monster, and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.

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12. You’ve been gasping for a mojito for the past nine months and now you’re breastfeeding.

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Oh great, more enforced sobriety.

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13. You feel like you’ve overdosed on invisibility pills.

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When you carry the baby into a room, it may as well have levitated for all the attention you get.

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14. After an hour of pacing and rocking, your newborn is finally sleeping peacefully.

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Shame you’re afraid to shut your eyes in case it stops breathing.

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15. No one offers you a seat on the train any more.

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And you’ve had to give up your “Baby on Board” badge.

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16. You keep bursting into tears at the most inopportune moments.

Perks of Being a Wallflower/ Summit Entertainment

Like when someone asks, “Would you like fries with that?”

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17. Your feet refuse to get in line and go back to their pre-baby size.


Ditto your ribcage.

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18. You cannot deal with another celebrity post-baby body reveal.

Glee / FOX

No. No. No.

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19. You’re suddenly acutely aware of all the danger everywhere.

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Is there a way to access the sex offenders’ register online? Do these windows have locks? WHERE IS THE BABY?

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20. The house is full of presents in pastel wrapping paper, but none of them are for you.

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How is that fair?

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21. You can finally satisfy those cravings for blue cheese, sushi, and deli meats, but now you can’t be bothered.

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22. The second you try to leave the house, there’s baby puke everywhere.

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It’s as if they know.

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23. You have no idea what’s happening on your street, let alone in the wider world.

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The only news you’re aware of is going on within the four walls of your house.

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24. People you’ve never met insist on telling you how to parent your child.

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Please, go on.

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25. Your precious newborn makes the most disgusting sounds and smells.

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Always in public.

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26. You have to listen to your childfree friends talk about all the fun they had at the weekend.

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Eating your feelings helps.

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27. At last, that blissful moment when the baby curls up and falls asleep on your chest.

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And you realise the remote is just out of arm’s reach.

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