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The Single Lady’s Calendar

Finally, a calendar that divides up Forever Alone into neat, depressing months.

1. Jealous of Couples January

When the only thing keeping you warm is your burning hatred of all those cuddling couples.

2. Fictional Boyfriend February

A real boyfriend would only get in the way of the twenty-two celebrity husbands and fifteen literary boyfriends I already have. The only Valentine’s date I need is my Peeta/Josh Hutcherson cardboard cut-out.

3. Movie Marathon March

Watching hours of Matthew Macfadyen in Pride & Prejudice can only make me feel better about being single, right? I mean, it’s not like there’s any guys in real life that live up to Mr. Darcy.

4. All By Myself April

“Hey, Mom. Yep, just having a little party at my house. Oh yeah, there are totally guys here. I do think one’s pretty adorable, he’s got black hair but can be a bit of a downer sometimes.”

5. Marry My Cats May

I hear wedding bells!!!
Or maybe that was just meows.

6. Just Friends June

Because there’s only so many times you can hear yourself described as “just a really great friend” by your crush before you begin to wonder if the universe is playing some kind of joke on you.

7. Join A Nunnery July

You know a nun is called a “bride of the church” right? Sometimes it’s the only way to get the words “bride” and “church” in the same sentence with your name.

8. Always Alone August

Summer lovin’, had me a blaaaast…. putting on a face mask, binge eating Nutella, and watching Grease alone.

9. Single September

“Hi, I’d like a booth please.”
“Wait, so it’s going to be only you? Just one person?? No one else is coming???”

10. Online Dating October

Strangely enough, I haven’t met a single guy on Purrsonals.com, even with the spectacular screen name of DancesWithCats.

11. No Ring November

To the fifteen girls blowing up my Facebook with your engagement ring pictures— SUCK IT.
Actually, don’t, because sharing Ring Pops is disgusting. Get your own Ring Pop.

12. Don’t Date December

Mistletoe? How about mistleNO.

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