Now onward goes, along a narrow path
Between the bye weeks and the injuries,
My lineup, which I set through constant tinkering.
"O power supreme, that by these false projections
Screwest me," I began, "as pleases thee,
Speak to me, as to whom to start or sit;
The people who lay upon the waivers,
Might they be got? Already are uplifted
The covers all, and I missed Sanu and Branden Oliver."
And my Lord to me: "All of them shall be snatched up
When from the dolesome fire they return
To wreck the bodies of your loathsome former stars.
The worship of false idols is a damnable offense, so there must be a special circle in hell for Giants fans.
In Week Six-Six-Six of fantasy football, our teams were fake but our pain was real. A dubious cast of characters led by the faltering Calvin Johnson dashed our hopes into bits upon the barren heath of torment. Fantasy contenders are beginning to distinguish themselves on the backs of Andrew Luck and Demarco Murray, while injuries and suspensions continue to wreak havoc on the rest of our teams left and right.
This existential hellscape – this veritable Carcosa of baffling losses, disastrous trades, and fallacious conclusions – is the essence of the Fantasy Inferno, in which we look back and assemble the worst-possible fantasy football team consisting only of players considered desirable in a general context.
Yes, it was one hell of a week, dear travelers. We saw the highest-scoring tied game in NFL history, which is apparently more fun than a win if you ask Mike Nugent. Terrance's Williams's toes reached super-stardom, while A.J. Green's brought only tragedy. Joe Flacco tossed up four touchdowns in the first quarter against Tampa Bay, and was seen asking the referees if he could "cash out" with 14:35 remaining in the second quarter. When you're up, you're up.
The 2014 Dallas Cowboys, against all projections, look like the cast of She's All That right now. Given his amazing and unexpected evolution from doghouse to penthouse, Defensive Coordinator Rod "Rhyme of the Ancient" Marinelli is definitely Rachel Leigh Cook. That makes Jerry Jones the Freddie Prinze, Jr. of this scenario, with former Cowboy Demarcus Ware playing the part of the ex-girlfriend who dumps Freddie for Matthew Lillard at the beginning of the movie. Rolando "Still Here" McClain & Co. have assumed the role of makeover whiz Anna Paquin. Head Coach Jason Garrett might fancy himself a dashing Paul Walker type, but he's really Dulé Hill's character-- the black friend that stands off to the side and chimes in with hackneyed catch-phrases without ever driving the action. For his part, Tony Romo is Usher: prolific and talented, but never the monolithic star he was made out to be. How could we have ever anticipated these strange resemblances? We do know one thing: any time high school romantic comedies get dragged up, it is probably the work of the devil.
So, while Roger Goodell conspires to introduce "Pumpkin Spice Week" in the NFL, let's go straight to hell:
NOTE: All position rankings reflect ESPN's preseason list. All scoring and projections also come courtesy of the Worldwide Leader. Thank you, ESPN, for never ruining anything ever.
QB: Eli Manning, New York Giants (#18 overall QB / 6 points in Week Six-Six-Six / 22 projected points)
Good Brother Eli, I concealeth not,
From thee my heart, that I may start thee less;
Not until now – why, why? – hast I disposed of thee.
O, thine Giants, who through the deepest lake of fire
Were dead upon arrival, thus speaking honestly,
Be pleased to tread no more upon my cursed team!
RB1: Marshawn Lynch, Seattle (#5 RB / 6 points / 17 projected)
Thy mode of running makes thee manifest
A natural pick for starting every week,
To which perhaps I too enthusiastic was.
Upon a sudden issued forth a frightful sound
From inside a shallow tomb: Big D is very much alive,
And full of fear was I, a little nearer to my downfall.
RB2: Frank Gore, San Francisco (#19 RB / 4 points / 16 projected)
Fiercely adverse have my skill guys been this year
To running wild, and beating much of any opposition;
So that several times I felt the need to trade them for a kicker.
WR1: Julio Jones, Atlanta (#6 WR / 7 points / 17 projected)
"Turn thee," unto me he said, "what dost thou?
Behold there proud Atlanta that has risen;
And note Sir Matty Ice; wholly shalt thou see them."
I had already fixed mine eyes on those of Julio,
But he would ever be denied the endzone
E'en as if Hell he had in great despite."
WR2: Jeremy Maclin, Philadelphia (#25 WR / 1 point / 15 projected)
And with his errant hands and prompt my wideout
Thrust me between the clutches of oblivion,
Exclaiming, "Let thy words explicit be."
TE: Larry Donnell, New York Giants (Unranked TE / 1 point / 12 projected)
The first time and the second,
I felt he hadst acquired bona fides,
But there uprose upon the sight, twice covered,
A dolesome shadow cast upon his side;
I knew that he had fallen back to earth.
FLEX: Emmanuel Sanders, Denver (#27 WR / 4 points / 15 projected)
He had to see if some one else were with him,
But after his suspicion was all spent,
Weeping, he said to me: "If through this crowded
Prison I live and die by Peyton's genius,
Despite that there be just one ball, why doth he looketh not my way?"
K: Blair Walsh, Minnesota (#8 K / 4 points / 10 projected)
His true production took the mode of punishment;
Already had I suffered in his name before.
On that account, my solution was to drink me full of liquor.
NOTE: This is Walsh's third appearance on Fantasy Inferno, tying him with LeSean McCoy for the most this season.
DEFENSE: San Diego (# 31 Defense / 0 points / 9 projected)
Whence I to him: "The slaughter and great carnage
Which have with crimson stained my score, cause
Great desperation, deathly fear, and bargaining."
PROJECTED TOTAL TEAM SCORE: 133
ACTUAL TOTAL TEAM SCORE: 33
What else should we have expected from Week Six-Six-Six? With every passing game, the fear mounts, the flames dance, and Demarco Murray's workload inches closer to critical mass. Don't say we didn't warn you-- nobody escapes the Inferno. Remember Larry Johnson? He's down in the Seventh Circle slurping crappy margaritas with Freddie Prinze, Jr.
Sear you next week.
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