I'm not prone to hyperbole, especially when it comes to matters of health, but after wearing a magnetic bracelet for seven days, I am now the healthiest man who has ever lived.
As soon as you strap on the bracelet, you can feel its energy flowing through you. After having it on for just a few moments, the anodized band zapped my blood pressure down to a very manageable 150/99. Do you know what that number was before I tried on the magnetic bracelet?
I don't, but I bet it was a lot worse than that.
That's why wearing the band has replaced water in my diet and also the band cured my diabetes.
I went to the doctor and she told me, "Sam, you are diabetes-free."
I said, "That's amazing, because I used to have diabetes."
And she said, "No, you didn't. You never had diabetes."
THAT'S HOW POWERFUL THIS MAGNETIC BAND IS.
I don't claim to know how the band works. But it contains two very powerful earth magnets that envelop the body in healing energies. It's like having two shamans on your wrist, each bursting with more magic blood than the other.
After wearing the band, I started to be able to eat cilantro. It used to taste like soap to me. But now? Now, I love the taste of soap. Which is good, because I've been eating nothing but cilantro for days.
Honestly, the band hasn't done any favors for my heart rate. It's hovering around 140 beats per minute but I might just be extremely excited about the band. Also, I think I can feel the band buzzing when I tell lies but I'm on a sleep-fast, so that might just be my hands shaking.
And did the band cure my acne? You bet it did! And you bet wrong, because it didn't. But now people are so busy checking out my cool medicine bracelet that they don't even notice my face anymore! And I don't notice it either because my vision has gone hella blurry from lack of food and sleep.
And from lack of oxygen. I'm on a low-breath diet.
The most amazing thing about the magnetic band, though? It wrote this entire article for me. I assume. Because I have no recollection of writing it. Or of anything else recently.
Basically, I have a headache all the time, can't stop dry heaving, forgot what happiness feels like, and have never been healthier. Thanks, magnetic band!