1. That theme song, no matter how many times you hear it, will haunt you when it comes on.
2. Sterling Cooper & Partners will pick up a client.
3. Sterling Cooper & Partners will lose a client.
4. There is a strong chance the ad agency will change names. Sterling Cooper? Putnam, Powell, and Lowe? Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce? Sterling Cooper & Partners? Who even is keeping track anymore?
5. Don Draper will sleep with whoever is his wife.
6. Don will also sleep with someone who is not his wife.
7. Joan Harris will do that sexy strut through the office.
8. Pete Campbell will have even less hair than he did in the last episode.
9. Roger Sterling will walk into someone’s office, probably Don’s, and pour himself a drink.
10. Don will have an old-fashioned.
11. Actually, he’ll have several.
12. Sterling Cooper & Partners will have a pitch meeting with a very important client, yet it will last two minutes, tops.
13. Pete will do something clumsy, like walk into a pole in his office or fall down the stairs.
14. Ken Cosgrove will continue to be a total babe.
15. Harry Crane will be entitled as fuck. Because he works in TV, he thinks he is the greatest thing since sliced bread.
16. Peggy Olson will eat a sandwich from the snack cart. MADE WITH SLICED BREAD.
17. Also, Peggy’s personal life will continue to be shit — her mom will give her crap, or she will hook up with someone in the office, or she will accidentally stab her boyfriend. Girl can’t catch a break.
18. Joan will chew someone out in the office without having to raise her voice, unless it’s that stupid receptionist at the front of the office.
19. Roger will pull out a roll of money from his pocket and pay someone to do something for him.
20. Pete will have a meltdown, because he is the biggest pansy on the show.
21. Don will pull out a fresh shirt from his desk drawer and change in his office because YOLO.
22. More drinking.
23. Actually, everyone’s immediate knee-jerk reaction to even a minor problem is to drink.
24. “Oh, the stapler is jammed? Better have a vodka rocks!”
25. Roger will go on a boozy power lunch.
26. All the midlevel dudes in the office will make fun of Peggy for being a girl (chauvinism!) despite the fact she is smarter than all of them combined.
27. Sally Draper will get into trouble.
28. Betty Francis will have to call Don to tell him that Sally got into trouble.
29. Nothing of consequence will happen to either of Sally’s brothers. Actually, do we even remember their names?
30. The middle boy, however, will probably have a bowl of cereal at some point in the episode.
31. Betty will chain-smoke like she has a death wish.
32. Some big historical event will randomly impact the office to remind you that this show takes place in the ’60s, as if the hair, clothes, and sexism weren’t doing the trick.
33. One client will give the firm particular trouble. It’s usually an airline company or a car manufacture.
34. Everyone will talk about the other advertising agencies in the city. Competition is alive and well in the ’60s!
35. Pete gets upset that he isn’t given enough respect.
36. Sexist/racist/homophobic comments will be made.
37. Don will make that face where he looks like he is trying to hold in a fart.
38. Bert Cooper will walk around the office with no shoes on and give zero fucks about it.
39. Bob Benson will do something nice or kiss ass, but for a potentially questionable reason.
40. Actually, no one really knows what the deal is with Bob.
41. There will be some literary/cultural reference (i.e., The Inferno) that is supposed to give the episode “deeper meaning.”
42. Someone will go from one office to another to yell at someone. Sometimes Pete goes to yell at Don, or Ted to yell at Don, or Harry to yell at Roger. There is a lot of yelling at Sterling Cooper & Partners.
43. Don’s past will “haunt” him.
44. Someone will talk about California like it is fucking Shangri-la and not just a plane ride away.
45. Still more drinking.
46. A lot of drama will go down in the office elevators.
47. Actually, like half of the show happens in the Sterling Cooper & Partners elevators.
48. Also, elevators will be used as a metaphor for something, because this is “quality television.”
49. Ginsburg will look super-duper shaggy.
50. Sally will give her parents so much attitude like she is in her twenties and not a surly preteen.
51. She will also look way older than you remembered her. Oh, how time flies!
52. Literally nothing will get done in the office unless Joan makes it happen.
53. Roger will continue to be a grade-A douchebag, but you love him anyways because he’s a total silver fox.
54. Megan Draper will have literally no clue that her husband is a one-man sex juggernaut.
55. Some old song will play at the end of the episode and over the credits, leaving you scrambling to decipher the meaning it has to what you just saw.
56. Don will stand over his desk ominously, deep in thought.
57. Also, Don will be drinking alone at a bar, and then something “dramatic” will go down. He might pick up a chick, he might get invited to a wedding, or maybe get into a fight with a priest.
58. And to cap it off, the preview of next week’s episode will give you absolutely zero fucking clue as to what is happening next episode.
59. Aside from a lot of drinking.