1. The title credits will play, and you will be very, very excited.
2. DUN-DUN DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN…
3. A Game of Thrones episode without at least three deaths is considered a dull affair.
4. Jorah Mormont will be friend-zoned by Daenerys Targaryen.
6. More boobs.
7. Also, some butts.
8. “Winter is coming.”
9. Winter will not actually come.
10. Jon Snow will know nothing.
11. You will remember, at best, half of the characters’ names.
12. A Lannister will repay a debt. They always do.
14. There is a 50% chance a Stark will die.
15. Cersei Lannister will drink a lot of red wine.
16. She will then ask for a refill.
17. Sam Tarly will screw something up.
18. Tywin Lannister will give some epic side-eye.
19. He’ll also make some plans. Tywin Lannister is always making plans, and they’re usually evil.
20. Tyrion Lannister will prove once again he is the smartest man of all of Westeros.
21. But no one will listen to him.
22. Daenerys will have the strongest eyebrow game in all the Seven Kingdoms.
23. We will see the Iron Throne. It appears to be the most uncomfortable seat ever to be sat on. Not because people will kill you to sit on it. It literally just looks like a pain in the ass to sit on.
25. Also, sex. Lots of sex.
26. Someone will lose a limb. It might be a hand, it might be a head, or it might be a penis.
27. Lord Varys will scheme in his creepy voice.
28. Joffrey is going to be a nasty little shit.
29. One of the Lannisters will try to put him in his place. Joffrey, however, will still act like a little shit.
30. Every single character will look like they are in desperate need of a shower.
31. Jon Snow will wear more clothing than you would like him to.
33. Daenerys will STILL not have a sunburn, despite the fact she has spent four seasons in the desert.
35. Melisandre is going to do some crazy fucking shit. She might be naked when she does it.
36. Life will continue to absolutely suck for Sansa Stark.
37. Like, everything that can go wrong for her will go wrong. AND THEN SOME.
38. Arya will continue to miss out on the Stark family reunion, which is probably for the best.
39. Bran will see some weird shit, Hodor will carry him around, and life will go on.
40. We might catch a glimpse of the White Walkers, but ONLY at the beginning or end of the episode and ONLY for like a minute.
42. Littlefinger will lie, cheat, or break a promise.
43. Jon Snow will have the bluest of blue balls.
44. Theon Greyjoy will whine, complain, and generally be a crybaby.
45. The Night’s Watch will continue to NOT do the ONE job they are SWORN to do, which is to protect the Wall.
46. Also, the Wall will continue to be fucking huge.
47. Weird friendships will blossom. Jaime and Brienne? The Hound and Arya? You can’t make this shit up!
48. Jorah Mormont will speak in that deep voice that sounds like he’s stifling the boner he has for Daenerys.
49. More sex.
50. Olenna Tyrell will be the baddest chick in the Seven Kingdoms, despite the fact she’s old enough to be your grandmother.
51. Someone will make the mistake of getting in Daenerys Targaryen’s way, and they will pay the price aka die a very painful death.
52. There will be a lot of facial hair, but none will be better than Davos Seaworth’s beard.
53. Bronn will always look pissed off.
54. Someone will die in a way that is so ridiculously insane you might call it art.
55. Jaime is going to crack jokes at Brienne’s expense.
56. The Hound will be cranky as fuck, maybe because he gets laid even less than Jon Snow.
57. Even more sex.
58. Blood. Lots of blood.
59. Daenerys may have an army and dragons, but she’ll still be in the middle of fucking nowhere.
60. Something mind-blowingly insane will happen in the last five minutes.